Road to Recovery
by Coopereid
Summary: After his attempt in 'Neglect', Spencer has to deal with his emotions and find new ways to cope with them. Luckily, he has the support of his team and one very special ally. Will be a Derek/Spencer later on.
1. Chapter 1

Getting ready for work on Monday morning had Spencer experiencing several emotions. He was grateful to be going back to work, and appreciated the fact that Hotch was letting him do it. He also couldn't help but feel a little bit guilty, considering the last time he was there, he'd decided it would be a good idea to end his life.

Derek knocked on the door for the guest room where Spencer was getting ready. "What do you take in your coffee?"

He sighed, buttoning his shirt. "Four sugars, thanks."

Derek shook his head, walking to the kitchen and pouring his coffee into a travel mug.

Spencer took a deep breath, putting on his shoes and tying them. He put his bag over his shoulder and walked out to the kitchen. "Coffee?"

Derek looked up, setting the mug on the counter. "How are you feeling about going back to work today?"

He shrugged, taking a sip. "I'm not really sure. I guess I'm glad that I still have my job and I'm not locked up in a hospital somewhere, but I can't help but think everyone in that building somehow found out and they're going to look at me differently."

"If that happens, or at any point in the day you need to talk, my door's open."

He sighed, nodding. "I'm sorry for waking you when I got into your bed last night. I tried to be quiet."

"Don't sweat it." He grabbed his own coffee from the counter, as well as his car keys. "Ready to go?"

"As I'll ever be."

* * *

Meanwhile, section chief Strauss was in Hotch's office.

She paced the office, watching him. "Aaron, you can't be serious. You're allowing him to come back to work?"

"I am serious, and yes I am."

She crossed her arms. "One of your agents tried to commit suicide five days ago. You're telling me he's emotionally stable enough to be on this team and working cases?"

"This team is the only family he has. I'm not going to keep him from his family, and I won't allow you to make him feel as if he's done something wrong like he's a scolded child. He's coming back to this team and that's all I'm going to say on the matter."

"In that case? I'd like to do a psych evaluation. I understand he's seen a therapist, but I want to have my own confirmation that he's well enough to be here."

Hotch sighed. "If you're going to insist on that, I'm going to have to ask to do the evaluation myself."

"Aaron," she warned.

"You've said it yourself, he's a very private individual. He doesn't open up to people he's not comfortable with, and it goes without saying that he's not in a place to be talking to people he's uncomfortable with about this situation. I'll do the evaluation and I'll have it on your desk afterward. I'll be completely honest, and if I feel he shouldn't be working, he won't be."

She could feel this slowly turning into a losing argument. "Fine, but if I find out you've lied on his evaluation to make him seem well, it's going to reflect on your entire team."

"I understand."

When Strauss left his office, Rossi looked in. "Everything okay?"

Hotch sighed. "She doesn't want Reid back on the team, considering the circumstances."

"Doesn't she realize that he needs to throw himself into work to get his mind off of this mess?"

He shrugged. "She's ordering a psych evaluation, and if he doesn't pass, she doesn't want him back for a few weeks."

"Yes, because sitting in an empty apartment with his thoughts is _definitely_ what he needs."

"Trust me, Dave, I'm not happy about it either. I just hope I can pass him and put this behind us."

* * *

Garcia leaned against JJ's desk. "You're sure he's coming back today?"

"He was when I talked to him on the phone last night. He said he couldn't wait to come back and he's see me in the morning."

"How's he doing?"

She sighed. "Better? I don't know. I talked to Derek and he's been having nightmares, but I guess that happens when you… you know."

"He's going to be okay, right? I mean, he'll go back to his normal self. Not his normal self that had those thoughts but, you know, he'll be Spencer again."

JJ shrugged, leaning back in her chair. "I hope so? I just really hope he knows that we're all here for him, and not just because of what happened."

Emily walked in, setting her coffee on her desk. "No Reid yet?"

Garcia shook her head. "JJ heard from him yesterday though. He's coming in."

Emily reached over, grabbing some folders from the top of Spencer's pile and setting them on her own desk. "What do we do? What do we even say to him?"

"I don't think he needs us to _say_ anything. I think he just needs us to listen."

"No, I won't let everybody get upset," Garcia said, standing up. "I'm not going to let this bullpen become a black hole for emotions and suck the life out of everyone like dementors. Everyone needs to be happy to see him. Wipe those 'I don't know' faces off and look happy. I don't care if it's Monday morning, I don't care what's going on, I will not have him walking in here and knowing that everyone is thinking about what he did. I want everyone to act like nothing happened and go about your day. If I so much as hear a sigh coming from this bullpen, and I will, I swear-"

"Calm down, PG," Emily said, laughing softly. "We're not going to treat him any differently."

"Correction," JJ added. "We'll treat him _better_."

* * *

In the elevator, Spencer tapped his finger against the travel mug, looking down at the floor.

Derek raised an eyebrow. "You okay?"

He nodded slightly, remaining silent.

"If you're not ready for this-"

"I am," he said softly. "I can't be alone, and the safest place for me to be right now is surrounded by people. Even if I go unnoticed, I just…" he bit down on his lip, "I need to catch a movie tonight."

"Sure, what do you want to see?"

Spencer shook his head. "Not _that_ kind of movie."

Derek thought about it for a moment before it finally clicked – he didn't want to go to a movie theater, he wanted to go to one of his Narcotics Anonymous meetings. "Sure. What time's the show? I'll drive you."

He sighed. "6:30 at the high school."

"Then you'll be there. Do you need company?"

He shook his head again. "I… I don't want anyone to hear what I say in those meetings. It's the one aspect of my life I want to stay private."

* * *

When the elevator stopped on their floor, Spencer walked out and froze before reaching the doors. Derek turned around to see he looked terrified.

"Spencer?"

Spencer chewed on his lip. The last time he'd walked out of that bullpen, he'd intended it to be his last time ever. He wasn't sure he was ready to face everyone again. He hadn't seen them since he was in the hospital, and even though he'd talked to JJ since then, it wasn't the same as having to look at her.

Derek took another look at him and knew he was lost in his own mind. Sighing, he grabbed Spencer's hand, squeezing it. "Spencer."

This seemed to help him snap out of it. He took his hand from Derek. "I'm fine."

"You're sure?"

He nodded, walking over to his desk, setting his bag beside his chair and sitting down.

* * *

Derek walked to his office and was greeted by Rossi waiting for him.

"Is something wrong?" Derek asked, setting his mug on his desk and looking over at him.

"I stopped by Reid's apartment on my way in, grabbed a few more of his things. Something tells me he's still not ready to go back there."

"Thanks." He took a sip of his coffee, sighing. "Honestly? I don't think he'll ever be." He sat down in his chair, running a hand over his scalp. "The kid's terrified. He has me periodically checking on him when he's doing anything alone, I watch him taking his medication, he'll sit down and start reading, but ten minutes later he'll panic and need to be near someone. Usually it's Clooney, but trust me, I'm not offended."

"That bad?"

He nodded. "_That_ bad."

* * *

Spencer glanced down at the stitches on his wrist, sighing. He started thinking again, about why he did it, and before he could get too far into it, he cleared his throat, setting down his coffee and picking up a folder. He saw a victim with self harm markings on their arms and screwed his eyes shut, shaking his head.

"Spence?"

He shut the folder, looking up at her. "Hm?"

She smiled slightly. "I asked if you wanted a refill."

He looked over at his mug. "Um, yeah, sure." He grabbed it, holding it out to her. "Thanks."

As she walked to the kitchen, Emily looked across her desk. "Read anything good lately?"

He knew she was engaging in small talk to keep him preoccupied, but he appreciated it nonetheless. "I didn't bring any books with me to Derek's, so I grabbed something of his. '_Slaughterhouse-Five?_ I can see why you enjoy reading Vonnegut, though there's definite ease of the reading, it's a powerful story with few characters or confrontations."

She smiled. "Maybe you can read the rest and we can talk Vonnegut sometime."

"I-I'd like that."

JJ walked over, setting the mug on his desk. "Black coffee, four sugars, sweet enough to rot a tooth."

He gave her a quick thank you and sipped it before picking up his folder again.

* * *

He'd made it through a few case files before he got a call on his phone. He reached over, answering it, leaning his head against his shoulder. "Reid."

"I'd like to see you in my office." He heard Hotch's voice on the other end of the phone and internally groaned.

"No problem." He hung up, closing his eyes and sighing.

"Everything okay?" Emily asked. "Doesn't sound like it was a great or long conversation."

He nodded slightly, pushing himself out of his chair. "Based on Hotch's intonation, I get to go through a Strauss ordered psych evaluation."

She winced. "Good luck."

He sighed, straightening himself and walking into Hotch's office, closing the door.


	2. Chapter 2

While Spencer was in Hotch's office, JJ sat up on her desk, trying to look in the window.

"How long has he been in there?" Emily asked, checking her watch.

"Twenty-seven minutes," Rossi said, leaning against her desk. "Judging by their facial expressions, it seems to be going well.""They could just be doing that to trick us into thinking everything's fine when it isn't. They're profilers too," JJ added.

They all watched carefully, waiting for reactions.

Derek walked down to the bullpen, leaning beside Garcia. "Anything yet?"

She shook her head, playing with the rings on her fingers. "Has he said anything to you?"

"All I know is he had a break-through at therapy on Thursday."

"Well, that's a good thing, right?"

He shrugged, wrapping an arm around her and rubbing her back. "Hope so."

* * *

When the door opened twenty minutes later, they all did their best to look busy. Spencer sighed, walking over to his desk and looking through his satchel.

"Everything okay, Reid?" Emily asked, looking over at him.

He nodded. "Understandably, I'm going to be on probation for our first few cases, and if I show any signs of stress, I'm to report to my therapist as soon as possible. I'm also not allowed to check out any crime scenes on my own until Hotch thinks I'm ready for it, and I can't be left alone at the station, in a hotel room, or pretty much anywhere for a while. Not to mention I'll still need someone to watch me take my medication."

She winced."Are you okay with that?"

He shrugged. "It's not like I really have a choice in the matter."

Garcia walked up to his desk, leaning against it. "Sweetie, we're all going out to lunch if you're interested. Even better, it's Rossi's treat."

He smiled slightly. "Sounds great, I'd love to."

She ruffled his hair, before taking off and walking back to her lair.

JJ bit her lip, unsure how to ask her question. "Spence, do you know-"

He sighed, nodding. "He read it this weekend."

Before he could answer any other questions, he grabbed another folder from his pile.

* * *

At lunch that afternoon, Spencer wedged himself between Derek and the wall. After ordering, he bit his lip, pushing his silverware away from himself, then sitting with his hands in his lap, eyes closed.

Hotch looked around at his team and saw they were all focused on Spencer. He shook his head at them, and they quickly snapped out of it. Garcia grabbed the knives out of everyone's silverware, setting them on the table behind her.

Spencer reached over, grabbing Derek's hand under the table and squeezing it.

Derek leaned over, whispering to him. "Are you having a bad day?"

He nodded slightly, keeping his grip on his hand.

"Do you still need to see your movie tonight?"

He nodded again, sighing and opening his eyes, looking around at the team. "I… I know I've said it before, but I want to apologize-"

JJ shook her head. "Spence, you don't have to."

"No, I do. I just." He swallowed, biting his lip. "I should've realized what it would've done to you and I was selfish. Suicide would've been selfish and I'm sorry."

"Don't focus on the fact that it could've happened. Focus on the fact that it didn't and you're still here for a reason, kid," Rossi said, reaching over and lifting his chin. "You have your family here with you, and you don't need to explain yourself to family. Ever."

He sighed, muttering a thank you and loosening his grip on Derek's hand.

* * *

That night, Derek dropped him off at his NA meeting.

"When you're ready, I'll be waiting right out here."

"Don't wait around for me. Really, I'm not worth wasting an hour of your time." He put his bag over his shoulder. "Go back to the apartment, I'll take a train back or something. I need to stop by my apartment anyway for some clothes."

"Rossi already took care of it." He motioned to his backseat, where there were two pieces of luggage stuffed with his things. "You don't have to go back there until you're ready for it."

"I don't… I don't want you to be stuck with me longer than you have to. When you do finally get sick of my company, you can just tell me and I'll go home. I won't be offended in the slightest."

Derek shook his head. "Like I've said, you can stay as long as you need. Now, hurry up. You're going to be late."

Spencer exhaled, getting out of the car and walking inside. He just made the meeting and took a seat in the back.

* * *

He knew that he could talk to the team if he needed to, but something about being at this meeting, around other people who have been in dark places, made it feel easier. When it was his turn to speak, he stood up, walking up to the podium. He took a deep breath. "My name is Spencer…" as they greeted him, he smiled slightly. "Thank you. My name is Spencer, I've been clean of the narcotic Dilaudid for about three years now, and lately, I haven't been able to kick the desire to relapse." He closed his eyes, exhaling. "I've been in a, um, a pretty dark place, and I actually attempted to take my own life five days, four hours, and thirty-six minutes ago." He glanced down at his watch, confirming he'd gotten the time right. "One of my coworkers came to check on me after I took a week off and didn't talk to anyone for several days, and he found me. Ever since I woke up in the hospital, I've been craving more than I ever have. My mind is telling me that if I have to live, I should solve the pain with a quick fix. But I've," he sighed, clearing his throat, "sorry. I've been clean for three years, eight months, three weeks and six days. My mind is trying to justify it, but the rest of me can't. I guess I um, I'm here today to confirm to myself that I'm not alone and that… I've overcome addiction, and I can overcome my tendencies, and I can overcome these thoughts that I need to put a needle back into my arm to get through every day."

He went back to his seat, pulling his knees up to his chest, and respectfully listening to what everyone else in the meeting had to say.

* * *

Meanwhile, Garcia called Derek, who was waiting outside in his car.

"Hey, Baby Girl."

"How is he?" she asked quickly.

He sighed. "He's at a movie right now, I'm waiting for him to finish up so we can get back to my apartment."

"Are you sure it's a good idea, Derek? Practically living with him?"

"We can't exactly leave him alone right now. For some reason, he's most comfortable staying with me, and I'm not going to have him going back to that apartment when he's not stable enough to do it."

"But what about-" she started.

He looked up as Spencer got in the car. "It's no big deal. I'll see you when I fly home, Mom."

"Oh, he's back in the car? Be careful with him, Derek. He needs you to be his support system, and he's going to rely on you a _lot_. Don't let anything happen."

"Without a doubt, I love you too." He hung up, turning to Spencer. "Did it help?"

He nodded, buckling himself in. "Thank you."

* * *

Later that night, Spencer paced in the guest room. He couldn't sleep alone in the guest room, because it made his nightmares come back, much worse that they'd ever been before he attempted. He didn't want to wake Derek later on, but he also didn't want to be a bother.

Derek knocked on the guest room door. "Spencer, why's the door closed?"

He sighed, walking over and opening it. "Sorry, forgot to open it after I finished getting dressed."

"No sweat." He opened his hand, holding out one of his pills.

He grabbed it, putting it in his mouth and swallowing. "Do you mind if I-"

Derek shook his head. "Go on in. I'll be there in a bit."

Spencer nodded, walking to his bedroom and curling up on his bed.

A while later, Derek walked in, laying down on his side of the bed. Spencer bit his lip, moving in closer. He didn't say a word as he rested against Derek, or when Derek wrapped an arm around him, rubbing his back.

When he felt Spencer finally relax, falling asleep against him, he was able to fall asleep himself.


	3. Chapter 3

At his appointment with his therapist later that week, Spencer opened up more, telling her every detail he could possibly think of. She could see the slow progress he was making and was proud of him for leaning on the members of his team for support when he needed it. When he talked about his work limitations, she asked how he felt about them, and agreed with Hotch, mentioning how grateful he was that he even still had his job. She also had him keeping a journal, writing down his emotions and discussing them with whoever he could.

That weekend, he planned on sleeping in, doing some much needed relaxing. As usual, Derek got out of the bed after sunset to go for his morning run. Spencer moved over to his side of the bed, pulling the blankets over his head. A few minutes later, Derek walked back in, sitting beside him.

"Rise and shine."

Spencer shook his head slightly, turning his back to him and curling up.

"Your doctor said to get involved in a hobby. You're coming running with me."

Spencer groaned. "Then I'll read a book," he mumbled into the pillow. "Now go away."

Derek shook his head, getting up and pulling the blankets off of him. "Get up." He walked over, opening the shades on the windows.

Spencer whimpered at the sudden brightness in the room.

"You can end this right now. Get out of bed and throw on some sweats. I'll make it a half hour run, and you can come back and go back to sleep."

Spencer realized it was a losing battle and sat up, rubbing his eyes. He walked to the guest room, changing into a pair of sweatpants and a t-shirt, and slipped on his sneakers, tying them. How he did it this early was beyond him, but he figured since Derek was nice enough to share his apartment, the least he could do is go on this run with him.

He walked out. "You _really_ want to go running with someone with a bum knee?"

Derek shrugged, tying his own shoes. "It's not about speed. It's about getting you into something and out of the apartment."

"I could've read, or listened to music, or watched television. Something that didn't involve physical activity and me possibly hurting myself."

Derek laughed softly. "You make it sound like I'm pulling teeth. You're just going for a run in the park."

Spencer shrugged. "If something happens, it's your fault."

Derek held open the front door. "After you."

He rolled his eyes, walking outside. "Where do we run?"

Derek pointed. "Down this street, cross it, through the park, around the trail, and back."

Spencer groaned. "Do I at least get a head start?"

"If you'd like, go ahead."

Spencer took off down the steps, running down the street. He wasn't surprised when Derek caught up and passed him once he made it to the park.

* * *

"Come on, Pretty Boy, is that the best you got?" Derek taunted, running backwards and looking at him.

Spencer panted, looking up at him. "Considering I'm not in shape and you do this daily? Yes, it's the best I've got."

"Don't quit on me now, we're halfway there."

Spencer exhaled, resting his hands on his knees and panting. "I'm pretty sure you're the devil, Derek Morgan."

"Then catch up to me," he teased, turning around and running away.

Spencer groaned, standing up straight and running after him. He took a deep breath, running up behind him and tackling him into the grass.

Derek looked up at him. "What was that for?"

He panted slightly. "_That's_ the best I got."

Derek shook his head, smirking. "That doesn't leave the park."

"Are you kidding? I took down Derek Morgan. That's going _everywhere_."

He stood up, brushing the dirt off his pants and holding out his hand. Spencer shook his head, taking it and pulling himself up.

"You okay?"

He nodded silently, brushing himself off and running again. He couldn't remember a time where he felt this relaxed or carefree. His head was clear and he didn't even think of what he'd done a week and a half ago. All he was concentrating on was running, and of course, beating Derek back to the apartment building.

When he made it back to the apartment, Spencer paced the front steps, in slight disbelief that he'd beaten Derek. He exhaled, looking up as Derek walked up to the apartment.

"You've been holding out on me, Pretty Boy. Why didn't you tell me you could run?"

He smiled slightly. "I didn't know. I mean, when I was a kid, I had to outrun bullies a lot, but I haven't actually gone running in years."

"You do realize I'll be dragging you out of the house for a run more often now? It actually seemed like you were enjoying yourself."

He shrugged, holding out his hand. "Give me the key. I won, I get first shower."

Derek shook his head, reaching in his pocket and handing it to him. "Fine. Just this once."

* * *

While Spencer was in the shower, Derek took out a change of clothes, setting it on his bed. He checked the clock and saw that Spencer had been in there longer than ten minutes. He walked over, knocking on the door. "Spencer, everything okay in there?"

When there was no answer, he sighed, opening the door and walking in. He hated invading his privacy, but this was something Spencer requested from him. He found Spencer curled up in the bathtub, knees to his chest, the water from the shower hitting his back. He reached in, turning off the water and kneeling beside the tub. "Spencer?" he asked, rubbing his back.

Spencer sighed, snapping out of whatever mindset he was in. "I'm sorry, I… I um, I dropped the shampoo and bent down to get it… then I had a flashback."

He grabbed a towel, handing it to him. "Do you need to talk?"

He nodded slightly, taking the towel and wrapping it around himself. "Can I have a minute?"

"No problem." Derek got up, walking back to his bedroom, closing the door behind him.

* * *

After Spencer got out of the shower, he walked to the guest room, grabbing his journal and sitting on his bed, writing. Derek knew better than to interrupt him when he was getting his emotions out, so he took his own shower then sat in the living room, waiting for him.

Spencer tucked the journal away in the drawer, walking to the living room and curling up in the armchair.

Derek looked up at him. "Hey."

Spencer bit down on his lip. "I'm sorry for making you worry. I just, when the flashbacks start, I can't get out of them. I tried, and I wanted to pull myself out and yell for you, but I couldn't."

"You don't need to apologize to me."

"But I do. The last time you found me in a bathtub, I was almost dead. I didn't want to bring that back for you." He closed his eyes, sighing, not wanting to face Derek.

A moment later, he felt arms wrapping around him, rubbing his back. He buried his head in Derek's shoulder, sighing. "I know that if you ever think of going back there, you'd talk to someone first. Whether it's me, or your therapist, or anyone else on the team. You wouldn't do this to yourself again without discussing it. We both know that. Stop beating yourself up."

Spencer sniffed, nodding against his shoulder. "I promise, next time, if there is one, I'll talk to somebody. I promise."

"I know you will." Derek placed a soft kiss on the top of his head, rubbing his back. "You're not alone anymore, Pretty Boy. You never were."

Spencer nodded again, exhaling, willing the tears not to fall. He couldn't remember if he had ever felt this cared for in his life, but he would gladly admit that it felt good that somebody gave a damn.


	4. Chapter 4

Every morning since that one, Spencer went running with Derek in the morning. They'd stopped making it a contest and started enjoying it together. They also took breathers, more for Spencer, and spent that time talking. Spencer was finally comfortable, able to open up to Derek more than anyone, even his therapist.

* * *

On the two week anniversary of his incident, the team was called into the conference room. Spencer knew that it was a case, and knew he'd have to face the images of victims. He sighed, taking one last sip of his coffee before picking up his bag and walking to the conference room, taking his usual seat. The rest of the team joined a few minutes later, picking up their tablets and looking through. JJ looked over at Spencer's rolled up sleeve and saw a scrape.

"What happened?" she asked, motioning toward it.

Spencer raised an eyebrow. "Two weeks ago I attempted suicide?" he responded, thinking she'd asked about his wrist.

She shook her head, pointing to his arm. "That."

He glanced down. "Oh, that? I tackled Derek again in the park on the morning run and scraped myself pretty bad on the asphalt."

Emily looked over at Derek. "He _tackled_ you?"

JJ smirked. "_Again_?"

"He caught me off guard," he said, defending himself.

Garcia laughed softly. "Oh, I would've _kil -_" she paused, reminding herself that Spencer was in the room,_ "paid _to see that."

"Smooth, PG."

Spencer bit his lip, looking around at the team. "You don't have to watch the language around me. In this line of work, we have to use the vocabulary. I'm not going to be offended by trigger words. I promise."

* * *

Hotch walked in. "Let's get started."

Garcia picked up the remote, clearing her throat. "Well, my pretties, you're headed to Kansas. No, I will not cut down on the Wizard of Oz references, and you can't make me."

"Garcia," Hotch warned.

"Right, sorry." She pointed the remote at the television. "We have a serial killer in Topeka, three bodies found in the last week. All males, ages 25-30. There's no apparent connection between the victims."

Spencer was the first to speak up. "How did they die?"

Hotch kept a close eye on Spencer during the briefing.

Garcia brought up more pictures on the screen. "They were stabbed six times."

Spencer swallowed, nodding, looking through the pictures in his case file.

"Were the stab wounds post-mortem?" Emily asked.

"First and second victim, no. Third victim, yes."

Rossi raised an eyebrow. "Why the change in M.O.?"

Spencer cleared his throat. "It's less messy. Maybe the unsub couldn't stand the idea of cleaning up his mess again."

Derek reached under the table, grabbing his hand and squeezing it, Spencer squeezing it back. "So what's the cause of death on the third victim?"

"Suffocation."

* * *

Hotch looked around at the team. "They want us there tonight. Wheels up in 30."

Spencer released Derek's hand, springing out of his seat and packing the case file into his bag.

"Reid, I'd like you to stay for a minute," Hotch said, not looking up at him.

He sighed, sitting back in his seat as the rest of the team left. "Yes?"

"Are you sure you can handle this case?"

"I can. I promise."

"And if you feel yourself getting upset-"

"I'll talk to somebody on the team, and call my therapist, bumping up my appointment to after we get back."

"We were able to secure six rooms in the hotel. Are you ready to be alone?"

He quickly shook his head. "I can do a lot of things but… I just. I don't trust myself alone yet, and I hope you can respect that and place me in a room with someone else."

Hotch nodded. "I'll have you in with Morgan, you seem to be most comfortable around him. Is there anything you'd like to discuss?"

"Nothing, I promise."

"Then I'll see you on the jet in a half hour."

* * *

After the debriefing on the jet, Spencer dozed off, leaning against Derek.

JJ looked across the table, smirking. "Comfortable, Derek?"

He shrugged slightly. "Doesn't bother me."

"What's going on with you two, anyway?"

He raised an eyebrow, glancing down at the laptop and seeing Garcia on the webcam. "Did you ever disconnect from the debriefing?"

"Not at all. I just watched Boy Wonder zone out and move over to your shoulder, almost like it was instinct. Now give me some juicy news. What is going on?"

He rolled his eyes. "Nothing is going on, Baby Girl."

"I don't know, he looks _pretty_ comfortable," Emily said, motioning toward Spencer. "Almost like he's been there before."

"Working with a bunch of busybody profilers sucks, you know that?" Derek said, leaning back in his seat. Spencer moved along with the shift, resting his head on Derek's shoulder.

"Aww! He looks so cute when he's sleeping!" Garcia squealed. "He's like a little kid."

"He won't be that way if you wake him up," Derek warned.

"I will get my answers, Derek Morgan, believe me." She disconnected the call and he closed the laptop.

"Garcia's right, he looks like a little boy," Emily noted.

Spencer groaned, burying his head in Derek's shoulder. "Shh," he mumbled, "sleeping."

* * *

Derek shook his head, taking his phone out of his pocket.

_Tell me, God of Thunder, what is going on?!_

He shook his head, texting her back. _Nothing you need to know about_.

_Does that mean there is something? Derek Morgan, you have to tell me!_

He sighed, thinking about his response carefully. _There's nothing going on, Baby Girl. I'm just taking care of him while he needs it._

_If that changes, I expect to be the first to know._

_We'll see_.

* * *

Before they landed, Hotch looked around at the team. Derek shrugged his shoulder, waking Spencer up.

"When we get there, Morgan and Prentiss, I want you at the first dump site. Dave and I, we'll take the second. JJ and Reid? Back at the station looking at the evidence and working on the geographical profile."

Spencer nodded in agreement, getting out of his seat and making himself up a cup of coffee.

Hotch looked over at Morgan. "How's he doing?"

He glanced back to be sure he was preoccupied. "Much better."

"Do you think he's ready to handle these cases?"

"Without a doubt. He needs something to occupy his time other than reading and running."

"Speaking of that," JJ started. "He's beaten you running how many times?"

"…We've stopped keeping score."

Spencer stirred the sugar in his coffee, taking his seat. "The three days we kept score, I won."

"Maybe I let you win-"

"But you didn't." Spencer sipped his coffee. "I beat you."


	5. Chapter 5

After the plane landed, JJ got into an SUV with Spencer, driving to the police station.

She raised an eyebrow, looking over at him. "You okay?"

He nodded. "Just, you know, the first case back since," he glanced down at his wrist.

"If you need anything, you know we can talk, right? I won't judge you or anything, I promise."

"We'll see how the first day goes."

She parked the car and he followed her into the station.

"You must be from the FBI," one of the officers said.

JJ nodded. "Indeed. I'm SSA Jennifer Jareau, this is Doctor Spencer Reid." She reached out, shaking his hand, while Spencer gave a casual wave.

"Work-related injury?" the officer asked, motioning toward Spencer's wrist.

Spencer gave a quick nod, putting his hands in his pockets.

"Did you set up a room with a whiteboard and a map of the area?" JJ asked, changing the subject.

"Right that way," he said, pointing to one of the conference rooms.

* * *

Spencer walked to the room, setting his bag down on the chair and picking up a marker.

JJ followed. "Spence-"

He shook his head. "I expected questions, JJ, I'm fine."

She knew he wasn't, and knew he just wanted to throw himself into his work. She sighed, leaning back in the chair as he started marking off the sites.

"The first victim's home address?"

She looked through the case files. "27 South Main Street."

He marked it on the map. "And where was he dumped?"

"72 Salem."

He scanned the map. "Are all of the home addresses and dumpsites inverse numbers?"

"Come again?"

"27 is the inverse of 72. Are the other addresses the same?"

JJ flipped through the case files. "We have a 103 and a 301… and the last one was 15 and 51."

He clicked the marker in his hands. "Why is that significant?"

She shrugged. "Maybe the unsub wanted to drop the hint, wants to get caught?"

He marked off the rest of the addresses, sighing. He stepped back, sitting on the table. JJ smirked, glad that he was making himself comfortable like he used to.

* * *

When the rest of the team made it back to the station, Spencer put the photos up on the board, studying them. He looked carefully at the stab wounds, chewing on his cheek.

"Reid?" Rossi asked. "Do you have something?"

"These weren't done with a knife."

Hotch raised an eyebrow. "You're sure?"

"Having seen a knife wound firsthand, literally, yes." The team looked around at each other uneasily and he winced, realizing he just snapped at his unit chief. "Sorry."

"It's fine, go on."

He swallowed, pointing to the wounds. "They're too shallow. A knife would've made much deeper cuts. Based on the depth, my guess is it's a barber's razor. Most of those blades are only about an inch long."

Derek reached over, dialing Garcia.

"What can I do for you, my pretties? And my Italian stallion, too."

He smirked. "You know you're crazy, right?"

"That I do, what can I do for you?"

"Garcia, look for anyone in the area who has ever had training as a barber."

"Why, are we getting our little genius a haircut? I think his hair looks fine as is."

Spencer smiled slightly. "We think the unsub may have used a barber's razor, so we need to know if there's anybody around here who either _is_ a barber or has been one."

"It's going to take me a while, but fret not, my lovelies. I shall send this down the yellow brick information super highway to your tablets when I find it."

"Thanks, Mama." Derek hung up the phone, leaning back in his chair.

* * *

"Something else Spence noticed," JJ spoke up, getting up and grabbing a marker. "The victim's home addresses and dumpsites are not only inverse numbers, but start with the same letter."

Emily looked confused. "Excuse me?"

JJ uncapped the marker. She wrote down the numbers, using arrows to note that they were inverse numbers. She then pointed out the street names. Both of the first victim's started with 'S', the second victim's started with 'R', and the third victim's started with 'Q'.

Hotch looked at the board. "So if we have another kidnap soon, look for an inverse address starting with his home address, more likely than not a 'P'."

JJ pointed the marker at him. "Bingo."

* * *

Later on, they'd decided to call it a night. JJ put orders in at a local restaurant to pick up on the way to the hotel, and got them along with Spencer.

"You're doing really well, Spence," she said, reaching over and grabbing his hand.

He smiled, squeezing her hand. It wasn't the same as it was with Derek, but it helped. "Thank you."

"You do know Hotch didn't mean to offend you, right? He was just asking a question."

He nodded. "I do now, and I feel ridiculous for lashing out at him."

"You know he didn't take it like that."

"Judging by the team's reactions, they did."

She sighed, rubbing his back as she parked at the hotel. "You need to _stop_ worrying about what everyone else is thinking. You're doing a great job with this team and we're all proud of you."

"Thank you."

"Anytime. Do you want me to drop off your food at your room?"

He sighed, chewing on his lip. "I-I don't have my own room. I don't quite trust myself to be alone yet. My therapist said it's normal, considering being alone with my thoughts at this point can be dangerous. I actually requested to share with someone, double beds."

"Really, who?"

"Derek."

She smirked. "Oh?"

"He's the one person I've been able to lean on through this, and it just feels like he understands. I don't want to be a burden on you, considering your past, and I don't want to impose on Hotch, because he has enough to worry about taking care of Jack. I don't quite fit into Rossi's lifestyle, and Emily seems quite content with her cat. That leaves Garcia and Derek, and we both know all Garcia would do is baby me, and that isn't what I need right now."

She nodded in agreement. "Understandable. About you and Derek-"

He rolled his eyes. "There's nothing going on, JJ. Despite what you and Garcia want to think."

"Excuse me for being curious. If anything _does_ happen-"

"Nothing will, but if it does, I'm sure you'll somehow be the first to know."

She smiled slightly. "All I ask."

* * *

He got out, grabbing the food for him and Derek, and putting his bag over his shoulder.

"What room is Derek in?"

She thought to herself. "312 I think."

He walked inside, pressing the button for the elevator. When he made it to the room, he knocked on the door, waiting.

Derek checked the peephole and held the door open. Spencer walked in, setting the bag from the restaurant on the desk.

* * *

"You know, Pretty Boy, you don't have anything to prove to this team," Derek started, eating his food. "You've already proven yourself to us multiple times."

Spencer sighed, poking his fork around. "But I do. I need to prove that I'm still levelheaded enough to keep this job. Strauss is going to get reports from Hotch on every case as part of my probation. I don't want to give her anything to have her second guessing and wanting me to stay back in Quantico."

Derek set his tray down, looking over at him. "Strauss isn't going to get _anything_ from Hotch to say you don't belong here. Hotch is going to be 100% honest, and say that you've been an amazing asset and that this team needs you."

Spencer shook his head. "Not if he includes the fact that I snapped at him in the conference room today."

"You know he's not going to, because that's irrelevant to how you've been on this case."

He shrugged, eating. "One of the cops saw my wrist, asked if it was a work related injury."

"What did you say?"

"That it was, and JJ changed the subject so there weren't any more questions."

"Do you need to talk about it?"

He shook his head. "Not this time." He set his tray down, walking over to the bed and digging through his bag. "I'm going to take a quick shower. Do you mind if-"

Derek shook his head. "As long as you need it, you can have the other half of the bed."

Spencer smiled slightly, walking into the bathroom, closing the door.

* * *

What they didn't know was that JJ was in the room beside theirs, ear pressed against the wall.

Emily looked over at her, tray in hand. "You're horrible, you know that, right?"

JJ put a finger to her lips, whispering. "There is obviously something going on between them. I mean _come on_."

"You're worse than Garcia. Reid needs his privacy and you're totally invading it."

JJ shook her head. "_Nobody_ is worse than Garcia. She's probably finding a way to hack into hotel security footage and see them together."

"That wouldn't surprise me."

JJ gasped, looking over at Emily. "They're sharing a _bed_, Em."

"Yeah, probably because Reid can't stand the thought of being alone right now."

She shook her head, pressing her ear against the wall. "He's going to shower and then they're going to _bed_ together, Em."

Emily rolled her eyes. "In case you've forgotten, Reid hasn't spent more than what, a half hour alone since it happened? Derek's just keeping him company, let it go."

Derek walked over, hitting his fist against the wall. "Good night, ladies. Keep it down in there."

Emily smirked. "Busted."

* * *

When they first started sharing a bed, Spencer would sleep on one edge while Derek would take the other. As time went on, they moved closer and closer together. Tonight, Spencer curled up beside Derek, and Derek wrapped his arm around him, rubbing his arm.

"You're an asset to this team, Spencer. No matter what you want to think."

Spencer sighed. "We'll see if you're still saying that when this case is done. I haven't quite helped find the unsub yet."

Derek shook his head, squeezing his arm. "You're doing fine, and you're going to help find him, because that's what you do."

Spencer rested his head against Derek's chest. "I hope so."

Derek smirked. "I don't _hope_. I know so."


	6. Chapter 6

The next morning, Spencer woke up with his arms wrapped around Derek. He hadn't remembered doing that before he slept, so knew he must have done it while sleeping. He hoped Derek didn't mind and sat up, stretching.

Derek smirked. "Morning, Pretty Boy."

Spencer blushed slightly. "I'm sorry."

He shrugged. "I'm not." He got up, grabbing his clothes and walking to the bathroom, turning on the shower.

Spencer sighed, checking his phone. "JJ's making a coffee run, do you want anything?"

"Black coffee, two sugars."

Spencer rubbed his eyes, sending her a text.

_Two black coffees, two sugars in one, four sugars in the other_.

She smiled. _For you and your bed buddy?_

He rolled his eyes. _For the best ally I have through this. Thank you, JJ_.

JJ turned to Emily. "I know he's going through a lot. How long before he and Derek make it official?"

Emily shrugged. "If they haven't caught on by now, will they ever?"

* * *

JJ walked into the conference room, trays of coffee in hand. "Hotch and Rossi are giving the profile. Where's Spence?"

Morgan pointed to another conference room, where the shades were open. "On the phone with his therapist."

"Is everything okay?"

He shrugged. "I'm assuming so?" He grabbed his coffee, taking a sip.

* * *

Spencer sighed, pacing the conference room. "I'm sorry. I know I had an appointment today, but I got called away on work and I didn't have time to call and reschedule."

"It's fine, Spencer. What do you need to talk about?"

He chewed on his lip. "I just, I need the reassurance that I'm a good person and I'm making the right decisions."

"Spencer, I've known you for two weeks now. I've never had any other patients with such big hearts in my career."

He shut his eyes, taking a deep breath and sighing. "I've been doing everything you've said. I'm keeping the journal of flashbacks and memories and any odd feelings that show up. Lately, there have been a lot of the latter, but I'm keeping them under control, I promise."

"I believe you. Is this call to assure me, or yourself? It's only been two weeks since your incident, Spencer-"

"Call it what it is. Since my failed attempt at suicide."

"-and you're feeling a lot of emotions. You just need to focus on the healing process and do what you think is right. I can't tell you how to live your life, Spencer. That decision is still yours."

"But I can't even be by myself. Right now is the first time since then I've been by myself for more than five minutes, and I have to admit, I'm terrified."

"And that's okay. Loneliness is what got you in that dark place in the first place. You may be ready to be alone tomorrow, or you may never be ready. No matter what, that doesn't make you a bad person."

He bit down on his lip. "So my codependence isn't a bad trait?"

"Not at all. It's what you need, and nobody can tell you it's right or wrong."

He took a deep breath, exhaling. "Can I see you after I get home?"

"I'm looking forward to it. Take care of yourself, Spencer."

He sighed. "I will." He hung up the phone, tucking it in his pocket and walking back to the conference room.

* * *

JJ looked up at him, holding out his coffee cup. "Okay, Spence?"

He took the cup, nodding. "Sorry, I forgot to reschedule before I left."

Derek raised an eyebrow. "Is that all?"

"Later," was all Spencer said, before sipping his coffee and looking back at the evidence board.

* * *

Hotch walked in, putting a picture on the board. "We have a missing person reported last night. If the unsub keeps up the trend, he only has another 24 hours."

Spencer sighed, sitting on the table and calling Garcia, putting her on speaker.

"Spencer Reid, I was just about to call you. Spooky."

He smiled slightly. "Do you have anything from that search for yesterday?"

"That I do. I just sent a list of eight names to your tablets, all experienced with the blade of a barber."

Morgan looked down at his tablet, looking at the list. "Garcia, do you have backgrounds on these men?"

"Patience, my sweets. Five of your guys are squeaky clean. I'm talking more sweet and innocent than Dorothy Gale clean."

"Garcia," Hotch warned.

"Right, sorry. Kansas jokes for later. The full backgrounds of the three bad boys are on your tablets, I hope you find your Sweeney Todd. Is there anything else I can look up for you?"

Spencer thought for a minute. "Look up the inverse of the abductee's address, see if there are any possible dump sites based on what we've found. The unsub can't be killing them far from where he dumps their bodies."

Garcia plugged her ears. "I can't hear you. I will research that and I will get back to you ASAP."

* * *

He hung up the phone, swinging his legs over the side of the table. He looked at the map, and right above at the pictures of the first three victims. "There has to be a connection. Did Garcia check their schools or any programs?"

"Came up empty," Emily said. "They all went to different colleges, scattered across the U.S. They didn't play any similar sports or join clubs."

"What about fraternities?"

JJ looked at the picture Spencer was focused on – the victim had a tattoo of three Greek letters.

"Fraternities aren't limited to one college campus. There are national chapters, meaning that they could be connected without even knowing it."

* * *

Rossi took out his phone, calling Garcia.

"At your service, Italian stallion."

"Garcia, were our victims in fraternities?"

"Fraternities, he says," she started, typing on her computer, "why in the world didn't I consider fraternities? I am researching your question and the answer to it is – YES. All three of our dearly departed were in different chapters of the same fraternity, and our latest missing was in it his senior year of college. Who do I have to thank for making my job easier?"

"That would be Reid," Emily said, looking over at him. He smiled slightly, staring at the table.

"Pen, can you cross-reference that fraternity with our list of potentials?"

"Consider it done, my blonde little badass." They heard her typing and waited for a response.

"Garcia?" Spencer asked.

"Fret not, Boy Wonder! I have found our bad boy unsub, he goes by the name Alex Harrison. He pledged for the fraternity, didn't get in, then dropped out of college and before you ask, yes his address is currently on your tablets, and he is smack dab in the middle of the comfort zone."

"Did you find out inverse address?"

"That I did, 187. Also on its way to you as we're speaking."

Hotch looked up at the team. "Morgan and Prentiss, take the home address, Dave and I will take the other address. Good work, Reid."

He smiled slightly, satisfied with himself as the rest of the team left.

* * *

They'd found the unsub and easily gotten a confession out of him. They were also able to find the latest abductee before it was too late, and brought him to the hospital to be checked over. Spencer was back at the hotel, stuffing his things into his go-bag.

"Do you want to talk now?" Derek asked, packing his own bags.

Spencer shook his head. "Can we go for a run when we get back? We can talk after that."

"Yeah, no problem. You do realize you did a great job and there's no possible way that Strauss can turn this against you, right?"

Spencer zipped up his bag, sighing. "I'm sure if she wants to, she'll find a way."

"And you'll have Hotch right there, defending you. He's not going to let anything happen, and neither is the rest of this team."


	7. Chapter 7

Spencer had been staying in Derek's apartment over three weeks when he needed to talk to somebody else. While Derek was in the shower, Spencer took out his phone, calling JJ.

JJ raised an eyebrow, answering her phone. "…Hey, Spence."

He chewed on his lip. "Can we talk? Maybe over a cup of coffee?"

"No offense meant, but don't you usually talk to Derek?"

He sighed. "I can't talk to Derek about this."

She looked up at the clock. "I'll pick you up at Derek's in 20 minutes. Is that okay?"

"Sounds fine. Thank you for taking time out of your weekend, I know you were supposed to spend time with Henry and didn't want to bother you, but I didn't have anyone else I can really talk to. I mean, I could've talked to my therapist, but I'm seeing her again on Monday. Then of course, I could've talked to other members of the team, but I don't know, calling you felt like the right thing to do."

She smirked. "Spence, you're rambling. Sit tight, I'll be there in 20."

"Right. Sorry. I'll um, I'll see you soon."

He hung up, burying his head in his hands and groaning. He really hoped JJ could help clear a few things up for him, or he'd definitely be in trouble again.

* * *

While he was getting ready, Derek peeked into the guest room.

"Going somewhere, Pretty Boy?"

Spencer jumped slightly, closing his satchel. "I'm going out with JJ for a while. Giving you a bit of privacy for a change. I didn't think you'd mind."

Derek looked over at him. "Is everything okay?"

He nodded slightly, sighing. "I just, I need somebody else's perspective on something. You're a great help, I promise, I just need new ears to listen to me."

"I get it. Do you need a ride?"

He shook his head, shouldering his bag. "She's on her way to pick me up." He tucked his phone in his pocket, walking out and sitting in the living room. Before Derek could get there, Clooney jumped up on the couch, curling up beside him and resting his head in his lap. Spencer smiled slightly, petting him. "Thank you, Clooney."

* * *

When JJ pulled up in front of the apartment building, Spencer got up, much to the dismay of Clooney.

"I'm not sure if you're going to be here when I get back… is there a spare key?"

Derek thought back to when Garcia researched possible tools for suicide, and distinctly remembered house keys as one of them. "I'll be here, don't worry about it."

Spencer nodded slightly, walking outside and getting into JJ's car, setting his bag down.

She turned to him. "Where to?"

He sighed. "Anywhere else."

* * *

JJ had decided to take him to a coffee shop and had him waiting at a table while she went to get their drinks. She walked over, setting them down on the table, along with a handful of sugar packets. After taking the seat across from him, she sighed. "What's this about?"

He ripped open the packets, pouring them into his coffee and stirring. He took a sip and set the cup back down, choosing his words carefully. "How do you know when you're an inconvenience?"

She raised her eyebrow. "Beg pardon?"

He exhaled. "Before this happened, Derek would always talk about how he would go out on his nights off and meet a girl and sleep with her. We've had several nights off since the incident and he's spent every single night with me, crying on his shoulder half the time. He's a person who enjoys his nights at the club and his one night stands, and I've kept him from that for over three weeks."

"Spence…"

"I'd already be gone, but I can't face living in that apartment again, knowing what I did there. And being in somebody else's company makes the pain go away, and stops the nightmares from coming back. Just the thought of going back to my place gives me an anxiety attack and I can't think, I can't breathe, and I'm just stuck." He reached up, wiping his eyes. "I did it because I was neglected and lonely, but now, I'm," he exhaled, lowering his voice, "I'm considering it because I'm nothing but a nuisance."

She reached across the table, squeezing his hand. "Spence, you've been making great progress. You're talking to everyone about your problems and you're not keeping it all inside anymore. You're not a nuisance. You're human. We wouldn't have asked you to start talking to us if we didn't want to hear it or thought you were a bother."

He closed his eyes, looking down at his lap. "You know, Derek won't even trust me with a house key?"

"Spence, can I ask you something?"

"I guess?"

"How do you feel, staying at Derek's?"

He thought about his answer. "It's comfortable and quiet and Clooney, he's been a great help at keeping me company. I have a set schedule where I go running, shower, have my morning coffee, go to work, come home, have dinner, relax, and go to bed. It's one of the things that therapists suggest most, so you have a system in place for what you need. But, it's not about how I feel. It's about how Derek feels, and I think he thinks I'm a nuisance. He hasn't slept alone in three weeks. I'm sure he misses it, but I don't know how to stop doing it."

"Have you tried sleeping alone?"

He took another sip of his coffee. "It brings back the nightmares."

"Have you talked to Derek about this?"

He shook his head. "Because I know what he's going to say. 'You're not an inconvenience to me, Pretty Boy, you can stay here as long as you need it'. But, come on, he doesn't really mean it. You know he's waiting for me to leave so he can go back to living his life as he likes it and be free of me."

"Do you want me to have someone talk to him?" She saw the worried look on his face. "I won't let it be revealed that you wanted it to happen, but if you need answers, I can get them for you."

* * *

When his response was a nod, JJ took out her phone, calling Garcia.

"Hello there, blonde bombshell. What can I do for you?"

She smiled. "Hey, Garcia. I was wondering if you'd like to do me a favor."

"Is it watching the world's most perfect godson? Because I am more than willing."

"It's more a favor for Spence."

"If you don't want to, it's fine," Spencer added.

"Anything, what does he need?"

JJ leaned back in her seat. "I need you to talk to Derek."

"Sure thing, what about?"

"The current living situation, and how he's feeling about it."

"Oh?"

She sighed. "Pen, please?"

"Consider it done."

She hung up, looking over at Spencer. "What else is bothering you?"

He traced the stitches under his shirt sleeve. "If I do it again, I'll be hospitalized, and I'll be locked up, which has always been the one thing in this world I'm terrified of."

She reached over, taking his hand. "You're not going to do it again, because you have all of us to talk to. You're not alone anymore, Spence, I promise."

"Easy for you to say when you're not the third wheel."

She squeezed his hand. "There's a serious difference between another friend and a third wheel. A third wheel is unwelcome and follows everyone around. A friend is welcome in any conversation or situation, whenever they need it. Understand?"

He sighed, nodding.

* * *

Meanwhile, Garcia looked through her phone, calling Derek.

"Hey, Baby Girl," he answered, leaning back on the couch.

"Hey yourself, hot stuff. How's your Saturday?"

He shrugged. "Not too bad. Beat Pretty Boy on the run today."

"I thought you weren't keeping score."

"Who keeps score when they're losing?"

She smirked. "Touché. Where is our little 187 today?"

"He went out to get coffee with JJ, said he needed somebody else to talk to."

Garcia frowned. "Is everything okay? How's he doing?"

"He's fine. He's sticking to his schedule, he's taking his medication, he's writing in his journal and talking about his emotions… this is the first time in three weeks I'm not worried about him going back to that dark place."

"When I talked to him yesterday, he said that you were keeping his nightmares away. Kudos, how'd you manage that?"

"This doesn't leave this conversation, you hear me?"

"You have my word."

"He's been in my bed. He says the safety of it and knowing that I'm right there is what keeps him from going back into his mind and having nightmares."

She resisted the urge to make a comment. "Is that okay with you?"

He shrugged. "I don't mind it. I can see he's having a tough time and if that's what it takes to get him through? Then the empty half of my bed is all his."

"You're… there for him, right?"

"As much as he'll let me be. If I see he needs it, I'll pull him aside for a conversation or have him write in his journals if he can't talk to me."

Garcia raised an eyebrow. "Impressive. Do you miss your old life at all?"

"What, casual one night stands that become awkward conversations if I run into them in the grocery store? _Definitely_ not."

She smirked. "Is somebody smitten?"

He rolled his eyes. "Goodbye, Penelope." He hung up, tucking his phone in his pocket.

* * *

Garcia hung up, calling JJ.

"What do you have for us, Pen?" She put the phone on speaker, setting it on the table.

"Well, our wonderful god of thunder is perfectly content with the current living situation. And I quote he doesn't miss 'casual one night stands that become awkward conversations', and he enjoys being there for our Boy Wonder, especially being the one to keep the nightmares away."

Spencer smiled slightly, twisting the empty coffee cup in his hand. "So I'm not an inconvenience?"

"I'd say you're far from it, 187. I'll see you at work on Monday?"

He bit his lip. "Can… can I call you if I-"

"My phone is always on for you, sweet cheeks."

"Thanks, Garcia."

"Anytime."

* * *

After JJ hung up, Spencer took a deep breath. "Can you take me to my apartment?"

Her head snapped up. "What?"

"Rossi packed my bags and, I'm thankful for that, but I need some of my books, and more clothes. I've already gone through everything he packed for me twice. It's a step I need to take, and I'd rather get it done with than keep putting it off. I'm not ready to stay there by any stretch of the imagination, but I think my fear of going back there is part of my problem."

"You're sure?"

He nodded, getting up and putting his satchel over his shoulder. "I promise I'll talk about it if it gets to be too much."

She got up, taking her keys out of her pocket. "Then let's go."


	8. Chapter 8

When she pulled up to his apartment building, he sat there silently watching out the window, working up the strength to go inside.

JJ reached over, squeezing his hand. "If you're not ready for this, you don't have to do it."

"I know." He squeezed her hand back, opening the door and getting out.

"Do you need company?"

He gave a slight nod, and without hesitation, she followed.

When they made it to his apartment, JJ took out the key, unlocking the door and pushing it open. "After you."

He paused, before closing his eyes and taking a deep breath, walking inside. He looked around, and noticed someone had cleaned up. He made a mental note to thank Rossi and walked into the living room. Biting down on his lip, he sighed, remembering his last time sitting there, deciding how he was going to kill himself.

* * *

JJ took a seat on the couch. "Take all the time you need. I'll be right here."

He nodded, grabbing a bag and stuffing books into it. He then walked to his bedroom, grabbing a duffle bag and putting in as many of his clothes as he could.

"Do you think you'll ever come back?" JJ asked, grabbing a water bottle from his fridge.

He zipped up the bag. "To pack up and move somewhere else, probably. I don't think I can ever actually _live_ here again."

"Should I take you to a movie after this?"

"Thanks, but no thanks. I haven't really had a craving in a few weeks. It's just my nerves more than anything."

* * *

She smiled slightly. "You can call any of us for that, we'll talk you down." When he didn't respond, she froze. "Spence?" She walked around the apartment: he wasn't in his bedroom or in the living room. She finally pushed open the bathroom door and saw him sitting beside the bathtub, his knees pulled up to his chest. She sighed, walking in and sitting across from him, mimicking his position. She reached out, grabbing his chin and pulling it up to face her. "Spence?"

He sighed. "I'm sorry I almost did this to you again, JJ," he whispered, avoiding her gaze. "You trusted me to take care of the one thing that mattered most to you in this world and I nearly threw that away."

She sat beside him, rubbing his back. "Don't keep it in. Let it out."

He rested his head on her shoulder, wiping his eyes. "Aren't you going to tell me to stop apologizing and beating myself up?"

She shook her head. "No, because that won't do you any good and it'll just have you bottling up all your emotions until you reach a breaking point. I'm not letting that happen."

He smiled slightly, sniffing. "Being friends with profilers sucks, you know that?"

She smirked, rubbing his back, allowing him to bury his head in her shoulder and cry it out.

* * *

A while later, he pulled back, wiping his eyes and sighing.

"Better?" she asked, looking him in the eyes.

He nodded. "Thank you."

She patted his back. "No problem. Come on, let's get you back to Derek's."

He got up, walking to his bedroom and grabbing the bags, putting them over his shoulder. "I think what I really need is to go home."

"To Vegas?"

He raised his eyebrow. "No?"

It took her a minute, but she finally realized that he was calling Derek's apartment 'home'. She kept it to herself the entire drive back. Once she parked, she turned to him.

"You know-"

"If I need somebody to talk to or a shoulder to cry on, you'll be there." He nodded. "Thank you again for this. As great as it is to talk to Derek, I just needed somebody else."

"And you'll always have me." She reached over, messing up his hair. "You're stuck with me, Spencer Reid, as the pain in the ass older sister you never asked for."

He thanked her a few more times before she finally convinced him to go inside.

* * *

He knocked on the door, and heard Clooney barking on the other side. After Derek opened the door, he walked to the guest room, setting his bags down.

"Did you have a good time with JJ?"

He walked into the living room, sitting on the couch. "I did." He helped Clooney up onto the couch, scratching behind his ears. "No offense meant to you, but I needed a new set of ears."

"None taken. What's with the bags?" he asked, motioning toward the guest room.

Spencer sighed. "I stopped by the apartment to bring a few things over. I hope it's okay."

Derek raised his eyebrows, impressed. "You went into the apartment again?"

"Yeah, I… I couldn't keep living out of a bag here, so I grabbed a few more things: some clothes, books, some empty journals…"

"How'd you do?"

"I panicked," he admitted. "I had a panic attack in the bathroom, but JJ calmed me down."

"Did going back there help?"

He considered it, then nodded. "I think it's what I needed to do, to finally come to terms with what I did."

"Do you think you'll ever go back?"

He shook his head instantaneously. "The one time I see myself going back there is to pack up my things and leave. That place is never going to be home to me again."

"What is home?"

Spencer chewed on his lip, afraid to answer. He finally spoke up. "Here, with you."

Derek looked up at him, confused. "_Here_ is home?"

Spencer swallowed, putting his feet up on the couch, tucking them underneath himself. "I've felt more at home with three and a half weeks here than I ever did in ten years at my old apartment." He pulled his arms into his sweater, sighing. "If-if that's not okay, I can go. I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said anything."

"Are you comfortable here?"

He nodded slightly, looking down at his lap.

"Do you think you'll be ready to be on your own again anytime soon?"

He shook his head, squeezing his eyes shut. "I-I can't. I don't… I can't trust myself to be on my own again."

Derek thought about his words carefully. "Then I _guess_ I have my first roommate."

Spencer's head snapped up. "Really?"

"I have the space, most of your things are already in the guest room, you're _great_ with Clooney which is a huge plus, and you know your way around. If you're not going to be ready to go back there, you shouldn't be forced to. When you're ready, we can go back, pack it up, and make it so you never have to go back there again."

"You mean it?"

"Splitting the rent and groceries, and still having my running partner? It sounds like a plan to me."

At that moment, Derek saw the first real smile that Spencer had given him in a long time. "Thank you."

"On one condition."

Spencer raised an eyebrow. "Sure, anything."

"You slow down on the runs and actually let me win for a change."

Spencer laughed softly. "Could be a deal breaker."


	9. Chapter 9

On the one month anniversary of his attempt, he had an appointment with his therapist, to talk about any feelings that would arise on said day. He sat on the couch, picking at his nails and sighing.

"Spencer?"

He looked up at her. "Hm?"

"It's a pretty emotional day for you. How are you feeling?"

He held up his wrist. "I got my stitches out a few days ago, so I no longer need to look down and see fourteen black marks across my wrist to remind me of what I did. Instead, I see the cut healing and I know that I've made progress, and that I'm getting better than I was."

"Have you been talking about your emotions?"

He smiled slightly, nodding. "My team… they've been amazing. They've gone above and beyond to make me feel included and to show me that I matter. Just earlier this week, we were on a case, and my boss came to my for my opinion first, and after finding out I was right, they all congratulated me. They let me talk to them no matter what I'm feeling, and somebody's always there for me when I need it."

"Have you set foot in your apartment since the incident?"

He chewed on his lip, nodding. "Yeah, I… I went back last week to pick up some clothes and books. I ended up having an anxiety attack when I walked by the bathroom, but my coworker who took me was able to calm me down. She didn't give me the typical 'you don't need to apologize' or 'it's no big deal'. Instead she let me talk about it and cry until I felt better. I also went back earlier this week."

"Oh?"

He bit down on his lip. "I packed it up and I'm putting it on the market. That place is never going to be home to me again, considering what I did there. I'd always remember that and never feel comfortable there again. I just need to be somewhere where I don't have this nagging feeling in the back of my head about what I did."

"Did you find that place?"

He nodded slightly. "One of my coworkers offered me his spare bedroom. He's actually the one who had to find me when… it happened. He's been the best support system I've had in place. He's actually helped me stick to my schedule, take my medication, and even got me into running with him in the morning before work."

She wrote down on her clipboard. "Have you spent time with any of your other coworkers?"

"Every Saturday, Garcia, sorry, my coworker Penelope, gets me out of Derek's apartment for a while. Sometimes, it's with other coworkers, and sometimes, it's just the two of us. Just last weekend, she made me take a yoga class. That was definitely an experience."

"Looking back a month ago, what would you tell yourself?"

He closed his eyes, considering the question. "I'd tell myself that I'm not alone, there's plenty for me to live for, and everyone does care about me."

* * *

At work later that week, Spencer walked up to Derek's office, but heard he was on the phone and waited outside the door.

"Yeah, Momma, I can't make it this year. I'm just really swamped with work and I don't have anyone to watch Clooney. I'll come later this year, I promise."

Spencer bit down on his lip, looking at his feet. He knew how heartbreaking it was for his own mother when he'd cancel plans to visit her, and didn't want Derek's mother to feel the same way because of him.

"My roommate's just really going through a tough time right now, and being here just seems like a good idea."

Spencer screwed his eyes shut, walking in and taking the phone from him.

"What are you doing, Pretty Boy?" Derek asked, confused.

"Hi, Mrs. Morgan, it's Spencer, from Derek's team? Right, sorry, I'll call you Fran. You're right, Mrs. Morgan is a name for an old lady." Derek bit down on his lip to keep himself from laughing. "Sorry about that. Listen, I'm sorry to interrupt your conversation, but I can make you a promise. I'll have all of the loose ends tied up for Derek and he'll be on his flight, you'll see him Friday night." He smiled slightly. "Yeah, Spencer his roommate. I'm fine, thanks. I'll give you back to your son." Spencer put his hand over the phone, handing it back to him. "You're welcome."

"Yeah, Mom, I guess I'll see you on Friday. Love you too." He hung up, looking at Spencer. "What was that about?"

"Every year you look forward to going home to Chicago for your mother's birthday. I'm not going to be the reason you miss it and feel guilty all weekend. I have enough emotions going through my head without adding overwhelming guilt to the list."

"What about you? Are you going to be able to spend time alone?"

Spencer hadn't thought about that before he took the phone from him. "I can learn to be. And if not, I can see if someone on the team can take me in for a few days. I know how much family matters to you, Derek. Can you please just go and enjoy yourself?"

* * *

Derek put up a finger, dialing Garcia on his phone.

"Jane Foster at your service, my wonderful delicious chocolate Thor."

Derek shook his head. "You're on speakerphone and I have Reid in here."

"What, Loki can join in on the fun."

Spencer blushed, sinking into the chair in front of Derek's desk.

"I need a favor from you, Baby Girl."

"Sure, anything. Though I was really just kidding about the whole threesome thing. If I get you, I'm keeping you all for myself."

Derek rolled his eyes. "Are you up to anything this weekend?"

"Kevin's sick, so I'm free as a bird. What can I do for you?"

Spencer sighed and spoke up before Derek could. "Can Clooney and I stay with you this weekend? Derek's flying home and I'm not quite ready to stay by myself. If you can't, I understand and I'll ask somebody else."

"Sleepover with 187? Oh _hells_ yes! I'll bust out the Doctor Who DVDs, it'll be a grand old time."

Spencer smiled slightly. "Do you mean it?"

"I never kid about anything Whovian. Bring your bags with you on Friday and I'll drop you off at your _new_ place on Sunday after Derek gets back."

Derek shook his head. "Nothing's going on, Baby Girl."

"Whatever you need to say to get you through. Love you both, over and out!"

She hung up the phone and Derek looked up at him. "You're sure you can handle this?"

Spencer chewed on his cheek. "There's only one way to find out."


	10. Chapter 10

Friday morning, Spencer packed his bag to stay at Garcia's for the weekend. He put in his clothes, along with several books.

"Derek, do you have my pills?" he asked, stuffing his journal in.

"I already gave them to Garcia, I didn't think you'd mind."

He shrugged. "I don't, I guess."

"Are you still going for a run while I'm gone?" Derek asked, zipping up his own bag.

He nodded. "I'm not sure there are many places around Garcia's apartment for it, but it's part of my schedule. I can't just stop doing it now."

"If you need me at all this weekend, you can call me."

"I'll try not to need you." He shouldered his bag and satchel. "I promise. Enjoy the time with your mom. Garcia said we'll pick up Clooney on the way home from work, so I'll have him to keep me company."

"Are you sure-"

"Derek, you need to get away from all of this. You deserve an opportunity to enjoy yourself. Please stop doubting yourself and go."

Derek sighed, grabbing his keys off the counter. "Do you need anything else?"

He shook his head. "I have it all."

* * *

When Derek pulled into the garage at work, Garcia was waiting at her car. Spencer took a deep breath, shouldering his bags and getting out.

"Ready for our slumber party, Boy Wonder?"

He smiled slightly, walking over as she opened her trunk. "You know me. I'm a party animal." He threw his duffle bag in. "Do you want to walk in together?"

"I just need to bid farewell to my sweet prince. Meet me at the front door?"

He nodded, giving her a quick wave before walking toward the stairs.

Garcia turned to Derek. "What, no goodbye? No hugs? Nothing for your roomie?"

He shook his head. "He doesn't want to say it, and I'm not forcing it. Now, his pills?"

"One of each in the morning after his run, and one of each at night before bed."

"Knives?"

"All locked away in a cabinet, along with medications, spare keys, and kitchen utensils."

"Where's he going to sleep?"

She closed her trunk. "I have the pull-out already made up for him with extra pillows."

"And when he's in the shower?"

"Check in every ten minutes."

"Anywhere to run around your apartment?"

"Already put together his route. Now will you stop acting like a paranoid boyfriend? I'm totally going to start spreading rumors."

He smiled, kissing her forehead. "If anything happens, give me a call."

"I promise. Now go enjoy your time home. It sure as hell beats anything here."

"Just don't leave him alone too long, okay?"

"You have my word."

He nodded, walking over to his car and getting back in.

* * *

That night, after picking up Clooney from the apartment, Spencer set him down at Garcia's. "He doesn't require much. He just loves attention and needs to go out for walks on occasion. He doesn't have any accidents or cause any problems-"

She put up her hand. "It's fine, really. He's more than welcome anytime, as are you."

He smiled slightly, setting his bags down and taking out some of Clooney's toys.

Garcia opened the bag with take-out boxes. "Come on. We're going to eat and enjoy some good old Ten."

He sat on the couch, tucking his legs under himself and taking one of the boxes she offered to him.

"I know you're not chopsticks savvy, so here." She dug through the bag, handing him a plastic fork.

He smirked. "You know me so well."

* * *

After watching several episodes of Doctor Who with Garcia, Spencer decided to turn in. He laid back on the pull-out, patting it so Clooney would jump up with him.

"Do you want me to leave the light on in here, 187?"

He nodded slightly, running his hand through Clooney's fur. "Please."

She turned on the lamp before turning toward him. "Do you need anything else."

"I'm fine, thanks," he mumbled. Once she was in her room, he pulled the blanket over his head, sighing. He pet Clooney, taking a deep breath and sighing. "We can do this, buddy," he whispered, before dozing off.

* * *

Spencer hadn't had a nightmare since the first night he was home after his attempt. Unfortunately, he woke up four times with nightmares that night, each one worse than the last. Each time, he sat up on the couch, burying his head in his hands and groaning. He was being ridiculous – Derek was just a friend, he shouldn't need him to keep the nightmares away for him all the time. When he finally caught his breath, he laid back down, attempting to get some sleep again.

His next nightmare was the worst of all. He had his mind yelling at him, telling him everything he's been doing wrong for the past month. Staying with Derek was only making him an inconvenience. Going to the team was good for him, but a bother to them. His therapist only cared about him because she had to, and worst of all, his tendencies were back. He whimpered, trying his best not to react to it.

Garcia got out of bed, walking to the living room and shaking his arm. "Reid, honey, wake up, you're okay."

He could hear someone saying his name, but it wasn't pulling him out. He only woke up with a start, panting, when he'd put a knife to his wrist again. He sat up, whimpering and crying softly.

Garcia sat in front of him. "Reid, sweetie, you're safe. It wasn't real, it was just a dream." She took his hand, squeezing it. "Honey, I'm here. You're here. Wherever that dream took you doesn't matter. You're safe. Come on, take a deep breath for me."

He leaned over, burying his head in her shoulder. She sighed, rubbing his back. "There you go, honey, let it out."

While she attempted to calm him down, Clooney rested his head in his lap, looking up at him.

"Do you need Derek?" she asked, running a hand through his hair.

He nodded against her shoulder, crying softly. Rather than acting aggravated like he expected, she was nurturing, just like Derek had been. She grabbed his phone off the coffee table, dialing Derek's number.

* * *

Derek reached over, checking the caller ID on his phone. Seeing that it was Spencer, he didn't hesitate to answer, even in his half asleep state.

"Hey, Pretty Boy," he mumbled, rubbing his eyes. "You doing okay?"

"He could really use your help, Derek," she said simply, rubbing Spencer's back and turning to him. "Sweetie, Derek's on the phone."

Spencer reached out, taking the phone. "I'm sorry," he said between breaths. "I'm really sorry."

"Don't sweat it." Derek sat up in bed, putting a pillow behind his back. "What's wrong?"

Spencer screwed his eyes shut, rubbing Clooney's back. "They came back, worse than they were before."

"Are you having a panic attack?"

"Mhm."

Garcia walked over, handing him a glass of ice water and putting a cold cloth around his neck.

"Take a deep breath for me, Pretty Boy. Can you do that?"

Spencer took a deep breath, exhaling. "I'm sorry."

"Don't be sorry. You have nothing to be apologizing for. Did you take your medication before bed?"

"Both pills, I promise."

"Do you have Clooney with you?"

Spencer swallowed, taking a sip of the water and sighing. "He's right here, thinking he's a tiny lap dog."

Derek smiled slightly. "He has a habit of that, you should be used to it by now. Do you need to talk about it?"

Spencer bit his lip. "I did it again. I'm sorry."

"No, you didn't. You dreamed you did, and those are two completely different things. Right now, do you have a desire to do it?"

He shook his head. "Of course not, I wouldn't do that again."

"Then stop apologizing."

"I'm sorry." He winced. "Sorry, last time."

"Is Garcia there?"

"Mhm, right here."

"She's going to calm you down, okay? She's going to help and I'll be back on Sunday."

Spencer sighed, wiping his eyes."Okay. Thank you."

"Anytime. Now put Garcia on."

He bit his lip, handing the phone to Garcia and curling up, wrapping an arm around Clooney.

* * *

She took the phone, sitting up. "Hey, what can I do?"

"I need you to talk to him. Let him know this isn't his fault. You just need to calm him down and get him in a mindset that everything's going to be okay. Remind him that he can go for a run in the morning, clear his head of all of this. After he gets back from his run, have him write down in his journal, get all of his feelings out. Don't interrupt him while he's doing it."

"Yeah, okay, no problem."

"After he does that, he's going to want to talk. He doesn't want you to respond, he just wants you to listen. If you see him looking at his scar, remind him of the progress he's made and that he's here for a reason. If he needs to cry, don't tell him it's okay and he'll be fine. Just let him cry it out, be there for him."

"Anything else?"

He thought for a minute. "If he doesn't go down easy, turn on some soft music. Usually humming calms him down, but it's a good alternative. Can you do all that for me, Baby Girl?"

"Of course. If you think of anything else, let me know."

"Will do. Give me an update tomorrow?"

"Long distance pinky swear."

* * *

She hung up, looking at Spencer. She sat beside him, rubbing his back and humming. "Do you need to talk about it, sweetie pie?"

He sighed, shaking his head. "I'm sorry for waking you."

"I wasn't sleeping, I was up on my laptop anyway." She ran a hand through his hair. "You're doing great, honey. How long has it been?"

"Thirty six days," he said, keeping his eyes on Clooney and sighing.

"That's a _lot_ of progress. A lot of people aren't that lucky. You're doing a lot better than you're giving yourself credit for."

He shrugged, wiping his eyes. "I'm sorry."

"You have nothing to be sorry for. How about in the morning, we go for a run? I think we could both use it."

He smiled slightly, nodding. "Thank you."

"Of course, Boy Wonder." She leaned down, placing a kiss on his forehead. She saw him finally let out a sigh of relief and fall asleep. Looking through her CDs, she put in her softest music and stuck it in the player on loop. Luckily, the rest of the night was silent for both of them.

* * *

The next morning, Spencer woke up early, taking Clooney outside. When he got back inside, he changed into his sweats, tying his shoes. Surprisingly, Garcia walked in a minute later with full jogging gear.

"Let's go, 187."

He raised an eyebrow. "You're awful awake for 6 a.m. on a Saturday."

She smirked. "It's a gift. Now let's go." She tucked her house key into her shoe, tying it. "I have the perfect route. It's not your usual one, but it never hurts to mix things up a bit, right?"

He nodded, standing up and walking outside.

They ran around the streets around her apartment. Rather than trying to beat her like he did with Derek, he kept his pace, running alongside her and keeping a conversation going.

"You're telling me you've done this _daily_ for over thirty days?"

He nodded. "It helps me clear my head and get in a better mindset. Not to mention I get to put bruises on Derek's ego when I race him back to the apartment and win."

She smiled. "Oh, I bet. How's it feel to have your first roommate?"

He shrugged. "I don't know, it's different, but in a good way. I'm able to talk to someone when I need it and still get my private time. I always have somebody to confide in and it feels good."

"Sounds like you've got it made. What's going on with the two of you?"

"What do you mean? We're roommates and he keeps my nightmares away. That's all there is to it."

"Is it?" she asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Garcia, even if he _were_ interested in men, I _highly_ doubt that he'd go for somebody like me, having seen some of the women he's slept with."

"So, what, you go that way?"

He stopped, sitting on a park bench and sighing. "Can I tell you something I haven't even told Derek?"

"Of course. Your secrets are always safe with me, 187."

He sighed, choosing his words carefully. "Before I joined the FBI, I was in a serious relationship with someone who was a close friend of mine. We'd been friends for years before and figured why not." He bit down on his lip. "And it didn't exactly end well."

She wanted to interrupt, wrapping her arms around him but never letting go, but as Derek had told her, she couldn't say anything when he started talking or he'd shut himself in.

"The first few years were good, honestly the happiest I ever was before I joined the BAU. But then one day, a switch went off and he changed. In terms everyone else uses? The honeymoon period was over. He would drink and when he was drunk, I'd try hiding, but it never worked. He'd always find me. Throw me around a little bit." He looked down at his hands. "And I stayed until I had to leave for FBI training. _That's_ why I don't want to try anything with Derek."

"You know, not every guy is like him. Give me his name."

He smiled. "Why, so you can research him and make his life a living hell? No thank you."

She reached over, squeezing his hand. "Derek is really one in a million. Don't let one bad experience ruin everything for you."

He squeezed her hand back, wiping his eyes with his other hand. "Thank you."

"For what?"

"…Listening."

She ran a hand through his hair. "My ears are always open for you, 187."

* * *

Spencer spent a lot of the weekend writing in his journals. He ended up having another nightmare on Saturday night, and needed to call Derek to calm him down. He also had Garcia's help during the day when he just needed to talk about his emotions. Something about talking to her about his problems was different than doing it with Derek, but it was a good kind of different. He knew he could call her anytime he needed it, and it felt good. Not only did she go on his run with him both days, but she also kept him preoccupied with Doctor Who marathons and had him attempt some yoga. He made her promise that it would never leave her apartment.

He packed his bag, putting in his clothes and journals, and zipped it up. "Thanks again for letting Clooney and I stay for the weekend. I really appreciate it."

She smiled, ruffling his hair. "You are always more than welcome at my apartment. You're definitely great company – I don't think anybody else on the team would appreciate several hours of Doctor Who and a game of Go."

He walked around the apartment, gathering Clooney's toys and throwing them into a bag and whistled. "Here, Clooney."

When Clooney ran in and sat at his feet, Garcia smiled. "Only been with him a little over a month and you're already his master. That's impressive."

He shrugged, sitting on the couch and letting Clooney jump up, putting his head in his lap. "Are you ready to go home to your master soon? I'm sure he missed you." Spencer said, rubbing behind his ears.

Garcia smirked. "Well _I_ think he missed both of you."

He ignored her, looking down at Clooney. "Please don't tell him what I told you."

"Sweetie, your secrets are always safe with me, but don't you wonder what could be?"

"I've had what could be, and I _really_ don't want to go there again."

She sighed, looking over at him. "Not every guy is going to be like that asshole, you know. It took me a _lot_ of douchebags to finally find Kevin. Derek's a great guy-"

"And he can stay my co-worker and roommate," he finished, rubbing Clooney's back and sighing.

* * *

Derek walked up to Garcia's apartment, knocking. He heard Clooney barking on the other side of the door and couldn't help but feel happy.

Spencer whistled. "Clooney, come here."

He heard the dog run away and Garcia walked to the door, opening it. "Welcome back, tall, dark, and gorgeous."

He smiled, kissing her forehead. "Nice to see you too, Baby Girl." He peeked in the apartment. "Where's Spencer?"

"He ended up going for a second run today, so he's taking a quick shower."

He raised his eyebrow. "Second run? Everything okay?"

She lowered her voice, leaning against the wall. "He talked a _lot _this weekend. Much more than I expected. I think he just needs to relax a little bit."

"But he's okay?"

She nodded. "He was really open and seemed genuinely happy most of the time. He wrote in his journals a bit and the nightmares came back. I think having you back is just what he needs right now."

"But he hasn't gotten worse?"

"On the contrary, I think talking and running so much was a huge help. He's definitely not ready to sleep on his own, but this morning? I was able to leave him alone in the apartment for 20 minutes when I needed to take a run to the corner store, and he only called _once_ to ask when I'd be back. I'd say that's a step in the right direction."

"Considering I couldn't even leave him alone before I left? You're a miracle worker, Baby Girl."

She smirked. "Well, I try."

* * *

When she heard the shower stop, Garcia turned to him. "Be careful with him, okay? He's more fragile than you think."

He raised an eyebrow. "Did he tell you something?"

"He did, but I'm sworn to secrecy. If he wants you to know, I'm sure he'll tell you. Can you just trust me on this one?"'

"Yeah, no problem. Is it something I should be worried about?"

She quickly shook her head. "Nothing that sticks up a red flag, no. Just be gentle."

"I promise."

* * *

Spencer walked out of the bathroom, running a towel through his hair. "Garcia, I used some of your shampoo, I hope you don't mind."

"Not at all."

He grabbed the brush out of his bag, brushing through his hair, wincing when it got caught. "Who was at the door?"

"Hey, Pretty Boy," Derek said, grabbing his pills off the counter and putting the bottles in his pocket.

He tried to hide his excitement at hearing Derek's voice. "How was Chicago?" He asked, throwing his brush back in the bag.

"Good… my mom sends her well wishes your way, and my sisters want to know if you're still wearing that jacket with the elbow pads that makes you look like a college professor."

Spencer rolled his eyes. "Tell your sisters that jacket doesn't exist anymore, and tell your mother thank you. You didn't-"

He shook his head. "She just knows you were going through a tough time and wants the best for you."

He smiled slightly, shouldering his bags. "Like I said, thank her for me."

"So what's in the plans for you two today?" Garcia asked, turning toward Derek.

"I'm probably going home and crashing on my bed for a while, and I'll see you at work tomorrow."

Garcia walked over, wrapping her arms around Spencer, hugging him. "Enjoy having your cuddle buddy back tonight. I'm here if you need to talk."

He rested his chin on her shoulder. "Thank you for everything."

She patted his back. "Anytime."


	11. Chapter 11

The ride back to Derek's apartment was quiet, except for the excited whimpers of Clooney in the backseat. When Derek parked, Spencer got out, grabbing his bags and walking upstairs, waiting for Derek to open the door for him. Once inside, he threw his bags down in the guest room, and Derek walked to his room, kicking off his shoes and laying down on his bed.

Spencer chewed on his lip, considering his next move. He took off his shoes and walked to Derek's bedroom, climbing on the bed and curling up beside him, resting his head on his chest.

Derek smiled, running a hand through his hair. "Hey there, Pretty Boy," he said sleepily.

Spencer bit down on his lip. "Does your mother know?"

Derek raised an eyebrow. "Does my mother know what?"

He sighed. "That you're bisexual and sharing a bed with another man?"

"Bise-" Derek looked down at him. "How did you know that?"

Spencer chewed on his lip, playing with the material on his shirt. "You've never been with a woman more than a night, but I've been here for nearly 40 days and you haven't kicked me out of bed once. No man is that comfortable with another man in his bed for _that_ long-"

Derek laughed softly. "What happened to our moratorium on inner-team profiling?"

"I-I'm sorry, I didn't realize I was, I just, I've been around you pretty much non-stop for over a month and I figured it'd be okay if I made an assumption and I'm just going to not talk."

Derek shook his head, smiling. "She's known about my sexuality for years, and she's more than happy that I'm happy with it, but she doesn't know about _this _yet. It was her birthday; I didn't need to give her a heart attack."

Spencer sighed, closing his eyes. "Thank you again for doing this for me, Derek. And letting me bother you when my nightmares came back. You're really good at keeping them away."

"I'm glad I can do that for you."

* * *

They were both woken up a few hours later by Clooney jumping on the bed, stepping all over them and licking their faces.

Spencer groaned, burying his head in Derek's chest. "Is there anything on this planet worse than being woken up with dog breath?"

"Don't think so," Derek mumbled, sitting up. "Want to go out, buddy?"

When Clooney's response was running around excitedly and jumping off the bed, he sighed, getting off the bed. While putting on his shoes, Spencer pulled the blankets over his head, groaning.

"Nuh uh, if I'm getting up, so are you."

Spencer shook his head. "It's not in the roommate agreement."

Derek raised an eyebrow. "We don't _have _a roommate agreement."

"I'll write one. Rule number 1: Spencer gets to sleep when Derek has to get up and walk Clooney."

Derek rolled his eyes, clipping Clooney's leash on. "I'll be back in ten. Get up, I'm taking you out of the house."

"And if I don't?" Spencer asked against his pillow.

"Clooney here gets to wake you up."

Spencer groaned. "_Fine_."

* * *

When Derek had been gone for five minutes, Spencer sighed, getting out of the bed and making it. He walked back to the guest room, putting on his sneakers and rubbing his eyes. Derek came in a few minutes later, Clooney in tow.

"Ready to go?"

Spencer got up, shouldering his bag and walking out.

Derek laughed softly. "You're not going to need that."

Spencer raised an eyebrow. "Why not? We're going for a drive, aren't we?"

"Get your wallet and cell phone, put them in your pocket, and set the bag down."

Spencer dug through his bag, taking out his things and stuffing them into his pockets. He had to admit, he'd feel slightly naked without his bag.

"Now put this on," Derek said, holding out a motorcycle helmet.

Spencer looked over at it, eyes going wide. "We're going on your _motorcycle_? Derek Morgan, you do realize that in 2010 alone, there were 3,615 reported motorcycle deaths in the United States? Not to mention there were 104,000 motorcycles involved in accidents in the year 2006. They're the most dangerous motor vehicles to drive and are in accidents at a rate of 35 per 100 million miles traveled."

"We're only going about 20 miles, I think I'll take my chances."

"I realize after attempts you're supposed to seize the day and try new things, but can't you just sign me up for a cooking class or something?"

Derek looked at him incredulously. "Don't you trust me?"

"What? Yeah, of course. I've put my life in your hands countless times on the job and you've been the one person who protected me most since my attempt…"

He held out the helmet again. "Then let's go."

Spencer begrudgingly took the helmet, putting it on his head and fastening the strap. "You're the _devil_, Derek Morgan. I'll get my revenge. You always say that paybacks are a bitch."

"We'll see."

Spencer pulled on his jacket, following him outside.

* * *

Morgan straddled the bike, looking back at Spencer. "Get on."

Spencer took a few steps forward, considering his move. "How?"

"You used to ride a bike around school, didn't you?"

Spencer groaned. "Yes, but that didn't have a motor, travel at a rate of up to 100 miles per hour, or have a possibility of killing me. I have a renewed sense of living, Derek, and I don't want to die."

Derek rolled his eyes. "Just get on and wrap your arms around me. I won't let anything happen."

Spencer put the helmet on his head, straddling the bike and wrapping his arms around Derek's waist. "I hate you."

"We'll see if you're still saying that in a bit."

When Derek turned on the motorcycle, Spencer jumped, tightening the grip around his waist.

Derek smirked. "I thought you said you trusted me."

"I do. I don't trust other drivers not to attempt to run us over."

He shook his head. "Just hold on tight and keep that helmet on."

"Derek, I can barely hear you. How are we supposed to talk?"

"This isn't about talking. It's about relaxing. Now shh."

Spencer sighed, resting his head against Derek's shoulder as he took off.

* * *

As the ride went on, Derek could feel Spencer loosening his grip, growing more comfortable with it. He smiled to himself as he took a corner and Spencer clung to him for dear life.

"I know what I'm doing. I'm not going to let anything happen."

Spencer sighed, nodding slightly. "After this? You are not getting me out of the apartment for _anything_. This fulfills my adventures quota for the year. Possibly the next two years."

"I'm not even going that fast."

Spencer glanced over his shoulder. "Not that fast? You're going 58 in a 35, Derek!"

Derek shook his head, slowing down.

* * *

After they arrived back at the apartment, Spencer walked to the guest room, grabbing his journal out of one of his bags. While Spencer kept himself occupied writing, Derek unpacked his bags from the weekend.

When Spencer finished writing, he thumbed through his journal, sighing. He got up, walking to the living room.

Derek looked up at him. "Everything okay?"

He nodded. "My therapist wants me to share my inner most feelings, even if it's not with her. You're the one person I've been able to trust with everything, I just need your word that this is completely judgment free."

He raised an eyebrow. "Of course."

Spencer bit down on his lip, holding the journal out to him. "I want you to read it. It's everything I haven't been able to say out loud. I trust you enough to know that you're not going to hold any of it against me. If you want to talk about anything in there, I'm more than willing."

Derek took the journal, glancing at him. "You're sure about this? This is like reading someone's diary…"

"Yeah, I just need to get it all out there, and I can't exactly _say_ it all without getting upset, but it's all in there, I promise."

"Do you want to stay out here while I read this, or-"

Spencer put up a finger, walking to the guest room and grabbing a few books. He walked out to the living room, setting them down on the table and sitting in the armchair.

Derek shook his head. "Is that enough to keep you occupied?"

"We're going to find out." He picked up one of the books, opening it.

* * *

While Spencer sat in the armchair scanning through his books, Derek read his journal, being sure to get every single word. He could feel himself getting upset, but didn't let it show. That's not what Spencer wanted. He wanted him to finally get a full understanding of what he did and what he was feeling.

Derek reached one part and put in a piece of paper to mark his page. "Spencer?"

Spencer looked up, closing his own book. "Hm?"

"…Who's Keith?"

Spencer bit down on his lip, sighing. He dreaded Derek asking that question, but knew it was coming. He set his book down, taking off his glasses and rubbing his eyes.

"If you don't want to tell me, it's fine. You don't have to."

Spencer shook his head, swallowing. "I did this for a reason." He shifted slightly, considering what he was going to say. "Keith was my first, and only, boyfriend. When I was dating him was back when my thoughts about suicide started."

"…Did it end that badly?"

He sighed. "We were great together at first, but six months before we broke up, he started turning to alcohol instead of talking through his problems. He'd get really angry with me, no matter what I'd do or say, and he'd hit me. A lot. I left him behind in Vegas when I came here for FBI training, and I never heard from him again. Someone back home updated me not too long ago that he was arrested for assault."

"He started this?"

He nodded slightly. "He's what made my self-worth so low in the beginning at the BAU, and he's why I started doubting myself and doubting anyone giving a damn about me." He pulled his arms into his sleeves, closing his eyes. "He knew about my mother and tried to tell me I was just crazy like her, and nobody would believe me if I accused him of assault."

"Did you ever?"

He shook his head. "He really knew how to get into my head, and make me feel like his word was law. I couldn't find it in me to tell anyone or walk away. That's why I was so eager to get into the FBI early. I got away from him and that's all I wanted."

"Does anybody else know about him?"

"Nobody back home knows what he did, but I ended up telling Garcia this weekend. Not to this extent, though." He bit down on his lip. "You're the first person to _really_ know about him." He could feel himself getting upset and tried to hide it, but was failing miserably.

Spencer got up, walking over and sitting beside Derek. If he was going to open himself this much, he was going to have his security blanket right there with him.

"You didn't mention a last name," Derek said, looking up at him.

He pulled his knees up to his chest. "There's a reason for that. I didn't even give Garcia a _first_ name, because I don't want anyone I care about to end up in jail for hunting that bastard down and giving him what he deserves. He'll get his eventually, and I don't want to lose someone that matters to me because of _him_."

Derek looked at the journal. "I don't have to keep doing this."

"You don't have to – I want you to," he whispered, wrapping his arms around his legs.

"You're sure?"

He nodded slightly, and the rest of that night was spent with Spencer answering any questions that Derek came up with.

* * *

When they went to bed that night, Spencer curled up beside him, resting his head on his chest. He wrapped his arms around him, seeming much more relaxed than he had been. Derek smiled, rubbing his back.

"Thanks for sharing all of that with me, Pretty Boy."

Spencer bit his lip. "Thanks for caring enough to want to know that much about me. I just hope you're not going to judge me too harshly because of it."

He ran a hand through Spencer's hair. "Do you know how strong you are?"

Spencer shrugged. "I have a scar on my wrist that begs to differ."

Derek shook his head. "You've overcome way too much to not be a strong person. Your dad leaving, your mom being sick, being bullied, an abusive relationship, and everything you've gone through since joining the BAU? You survived all of it. You're strong and you matter."

Spencer smiled slightly. "You mean it?"

"Of course."

Spencer exhaled, thinking about what he was going to do next. "Hey, Derek?"

He looked down at him. "What's up, kid?"

Spencer tilted his head up, capturing Derek's lips with his.

* * *

He couldn't help but feel relieved when Derek didn't push him away and seemed to be enjoying the kiss. Unlike with Keith, this felt _right_: he was in a great place and he was excited and genuinely happy. He didn't feel like he had to do this, he actually _wanted_ to.

Derek reached up, lacing a hand in Spencer's hair, pulling him in closer. Spencer smirked, closing the gap between them. He didn't even notice that he'd started crying.

Derek pulled back, looking at him. "…Spencer, I'm sorry. What's wrong?"

Spencer shook his head, wiping his eyes. "Shh." He leaned in, kissing him again. "I don't want to talk," he started, between kisses. "I just need this."

Derek smiled, respecting his wishes. They only stopped when Clooney ran in, jumping on the bed and nudging their heads with his.

Spencer panted slightly, smiling. "That either means 'it took you two long enough' or 'you two are grossing me out."

"Let's go with the former." He scratched Clooney behind the ears. "Don't worry, buddy, you're still my number one."

Spencer laid back down, the smile seemingly permanent on his face. He reached a hand over, scratching Clooney's stomach. "There we go."

Clooney finally gave them space a few minutes later, curling up at the foot of the bed and falling asleep, snoring softly.

* * *

"Pretty Boy?"

"Hm?" Spencer asked tiredly.

"Nuh uh. There is _no_ way you get to use that lip action and then go to sleep."

He internally groaned, opening his eyes and looking up at him. "What do you want to know?"

"What just happened?"

"Well," he started, yawning, "you told me how strong I am, and explained every detail, I asked if you meant it, you said 'of course', and then I kissed you." His mind started nagging him. "…and that's probably the last thing you wanted. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. I'll just go to my room and stop bothering you, I'm sorry."

Spencer pushed himself up, attempting to get off the bed. Derek shook his head, grabbing his arm and pulling him back down.

"Derek, what are you doing?"

He sat up, wrapping his arms around Spencer's waist, pulling him closer. "You did not do anything wrong, and you're not bothering me, you hear me?"

"But-"

"But nothing."

He sighed, biting his lip. "I shouldn't have done it."

"Did you see me telling you no?"

"No, but-"

"Did I pull back or act disgusted?"

"No, but that could've been you being nice."

"Have you been in my bed for the last month and a half?"

"Yes?" Spencer replied, unsure of where this was going.

"And have you talked to me every single night since then?"

"Of course, you're the one person I'm most comfortable with-"

"Have I ever mentioned _anything_ about you being a bother or an inconvenience?"

"Not out loud-"

Derek cut him off. "Have I?"

Spencer quickly shook his head.

"Then what's the problem?"

Spencer chewed on his lip. "We're roommates and co-workers. Roommates and co-workers shouldn't be kissing. That's crossing a major line, not to mention the trouble we'd be in at work, considering we just had an anti-fraternization lecture last week. We should also factor in that I'm in a highly emotional mindset right now and shouldn't have even been thinking about doing it, let alone _actually_ doing it. Then there's-"

Derek shook his head, leaning over and kissing him again. "After eight and a half years, I've finally found your mute button. Definitely remembering that one."

"So, you're _not_ disgusted by me?"

"I would never be."

"…And you didn't mind it."

"…Does it look like I did?"

Spencer smiled slightly, laying back down and curling up beside him.

* * *

Derek sighed, running a hand through Spencer's hair. "You know, you're not the only one with skeletons in your closet, Spencer. You may have had yours aired out without wanting to, but I promise you, you're not alone."

Spencer raised an eyebrow, looking up at him. "What?"

"Everyone has had a 'Keith' in their life, whether it was an ex, someone you thought you trusted, someone you cared about – there's always somebody that's found a way to screw you over and turn you into a completely different person than you'd like to be."

"What would you know about it?" Spencer asked, trying not to sound insulting.

Derek sighed. "Carl Buford, Spencer."

"The owner of the community center that murdered children and we caught him five years ago… what about him?"

Derek rubbed his back, squeezing his arm. "He was mine. He drew me in, he let me trust him, he promised me the world: athletic scholarships and a career in the NFL if I'd listened to him. What kid was going to pass that up?"

Spencer wanted to respond, but knew this was a rare time where Derek wanted him to listen.

"So, I did anything and everything to impress him and make him proud of me. He'd let me drink with him, watch R-rated movies, and pretty much do whatever I wanted when I was in his company." Derek bit down on his lip, trying his best to keep his composure. "He would 'help' me, and he'd tell me no matter what he did, it was to further my career and make myself better."

"He was a pedophilic serial killer," Spencer butt in, finally realizing what he was saying, "Derek…"

"He made me what I am, Spencer. Everything he put me through, everything I had to get over? He shaped me. He made me want to become an FBI agent and get people like him." He squeezed Spencer's arm again. "I want you to remember that. We've all been through hell and back, and you're never alone."

Spencer tilted his head and reached a hand up, wiping a stray tear from his cheek. "If you ever need to talk about it, or anything, I'm here… I mean, you've done it enough for me, it's the least I could do."

Derek smiled slightly, kissing his forehead. "Thanks."

* * *

"Derek?" Spencer asked, shortly before dozing off.

Derek ran a hand through Spencer's hair. "What is it, Spencer?"

He chewed on his lip. "…What are we?"

"Well," Derek started, stretching slightly. "I'd say that _just_ roommates and co-workers is totally out the window at this point."

Spencer smirked. "_Obviously_."

He rubbed Spencer's back, humming softly. "I guess, I don't know. Friends with benefits doesn't seem very fitting, considering we haven't gone _there_ yet."

Spencer raised an eyebrow. "Friends with benefits? What's that? We have health insurance through work, along with dental. Those benefits?"

Derek bit down on his lip to hold in his laughter. "Sorry, I forgot how naïve you are about today's realities. Friends with benefits is another way to say friends who hook up-" he saw the confused look on Spencer's face and tried again. "Two people who know each other, and share a bed in a much different way than we are."

Spencer thought about it and it finally clicked. "_Oh_. Yeah, definitely not that."

"You've been in a dark place, and I don't want to say something that will put you in an uncomfortable position, so I guess it's up to you. What do _you_ think we are?"

"Well, I think that we were co-workers, we're now roommates, and we're both horrible at determining _anything_, so we should just play it by ear and let things happen as they will."

"…Did you just apply logic to you mauling me with your lips?"

Spencer blushed, burying his head in Derek's chest. "Good night, Derek."

* * *

After Spencer had fallen asleep, Derek looked down at him. It was hard for him to believe the progress that Spencer had made over the last month and a half, and incredible to see where he was right now. He knew Spencer had his demons, everyone did, and was glad he could be the one to fix them.

"And Derek?" Spencer mumbled against his chest, barely awake.

"What is it, Spencer?"

He yawned, curling closer and pulling up the blankets. "We are _not_ telling anyone at work what happened. Garcia would have a field day with photoshop."


	12. Chapter 12

The next day at work, before Spencer and Derek showed up, JJ was in Garcia's lair.

She leaned against Garcia's desk, crossing her arms. "How did he do this weekend? He usually calls on Sunday nights, but I guess he fell asleep before he could call me."

"I'm sure he was exhausted. He went for one long run on Saturday, and two on Sunday. I guess it's his own brand of therapy, because he comes back happier and with a clear head."

She raised an eyebrow. "Wow. How was he?"

She smiled, leaning back in her chair. "During the day? It was like I had the old, fun Spencer Reid back. He was talkative and excited and all around happy. It was like he didn't have a negative bone in his body, and he didn't just attempt over a month ago. Instead, he just enjoyed himself. There wasn't a wall between us and he was _really_ open to talking. He let a lot of things out I never expected, and he never really went into his mind like he usually does."

"What about at night?"

She sighed. "The nightmares were back. Derek told me he might have them without him being there, but they were _bad_. Once he snapped out of them, though, he was sheepish Spencer, and when he was calmed down, he was back to himself. I guess the nightmares are never really going to go away, but as long as he has Derek there to keep them away? He'll be fine."

"So, what, he just needs to rely on Derek the rest of his life?"

She shrugged again. "He doesn't seem to mind. When he came to pick up Reid and Clooney? He seemed like he was happy to be there, like it was the highlight of his weekend, despite the fact he spent the entire weekend home with his family."

"Really?"

"Mhm. So, Boy Wonder didn't call you last night?"

She shook her head. "No, why?"

"Derek didn't call me either. Do you think-"

"_Definitely_ not," JJ finished. "Spence has made it quite clear he doesn't want to go there with Derek."

"Yeah, he has with me too, but come _on_."

JJ shrugged. "Just saying, I don't see it happening."

* * *

Emily walked in a few minutes later. "Don't tell me you two are in here contemplating Reid and Morgan."

JJ smiled. "Spence would never let it happen, so I've accepted the fact that it's not going to. Garcia might be harder to convince. Are they in yet?"

"Just got a call from Derek, Spencer requested an appointment with his therapist this morning, so they're running late."

"Uh oh," Garcia started, turning her chair around to face her, "is everything okay?"

"He didn't sound too upset, probably just has a few things to get off his chest before coming to work and looking at photos of victims."

"Did he say anything else?"

She shook her head. "Just said they'd be late. I'm not going to profile them, and you shouldn't either."

JJ got up, stretching slightly. "Guess we should get to work."

Garcia looked at her. "If you hear so much as a _whisper-_"

"You'll be the first to know, I promise."

* * *

Spencer sat on the couch. "I'm sorry that I moved my appointment up, but I had a really productive weekend."

She leaned back in her seat. "It's fine, Spencer. Tell me about it."

He chewed on his lip, wondering to begin. "Derek went home for the weekend, and I spent time with another of my co-workers, Penelope. She was absolutely amazing. She was welcoming and kind and she listened to my problems. She allowed me to talk her ear off as long as I wanted, and didn't pass judgment or think anything negative about me, not even once."

"Can you finally accept that your co-workers are more than that?"

He nodded, smiling slightly. "They don't look at my wrist and see someone who needs fixing. They see someone that just needs someone to talk to. They've all put themselves out there. They talk to me when I need it, and listen when I just need to talk. It's a lot better than I thought it was. My only regret is not learning this sooner."

"So you had a good weekend?"

He chewed on his lip. "I spent time with Penelope, like I said, and unfortunately the nightmares came back, more intense than they were before. She got Derek on the phone and he was able to talk me down. Afterward, she turned on some soft music and talked to me and made me feel like I wasn't alone. And the next morning, she went on my morning jog with me. She's obviously not the type to go jogging, but it meant a lot that she'd do that for me. I ended up opening up to her with things I haven't told you or Derek, and it just felt great to have someone else to lean on. She learned a lot about me, and I opened up to her more than I ever thought I would."

"Do you think you'll be able to lean on Penelope, should something happen and Derek's not around?"

He didn't even hesitate. "Definitely. She's always been the mother bear type, very protective over me no matter what the situation. After spending most of the weekend with her, I just _know_ she cares."

"What happened when Derek came back?"

"That morning, I had my first flashback in a while, and after opening up to Penelope so much, I just, I needed to go for a second run and clear my head. It's the best way to do it these days. I came back, took a shower, and Derek was there waiting to take me back home. I spent some time with him and then I wrote in my journal for a while. I know you told me that I should share what I put in my journals with someone, and rather than sitting there boring him with the, for lack of a better word, highlights, I let him read it."

She raised her eyebrows, impressed. "You let him read your journals?"

He nodded. "It was the best way for him to know everything I'd been hiding. With everything he's done for me, I figured he deserved to know. I gave him the journal, I sat down beside him, and waited for him to ask any questions."

"Did he?"

He exhaled. "Quite a few. I told him things I never thought I'd really tell _anyone_, things that I kept locked inside for years and never thought would see the light of day. But something about telling him made it feel okay. I don't have any secrets, or skeletons in my closet anymore. He knows it all."

"Is that okay with you?"

He smiled slightly. "Of course. I trust him with everything."

"Did anything else happen this weekend?"

"I talked to him, and he opened up to me. It felt like we trusted each other a lot and there's nobody out there that's ever going to find out."

"Is Derek here with you today?"

He nodded. "I came on the way to work, and he's my ride, so he's out in the waiting room."

"Do you mind if he comes in for a few minutes?"

Spencer shook his head. "Not at all." He got up, opening the door and poking his head out. "Derek, could you come in here?"

Derek raised an eyebrow, setting his magazine down and walking into the room, closing the door behind him. He took the seat beside Spencer and looked over at his doctor.

"Spencer tells me he owes most of his progress to you."

"He sells himself short," Derek started, looking over at Spencer and holding out his hand. "He's a lot stronger than he gives himself credit for."

Spencer smiled slightly. "Derek's help is what's made me open up so much. Without everything he's done, I wouldn't be where I am today. To be honest, I probably wouldn't even _be_ here today if it wasn't for everything he did for me." He took Derek's hand, squeezing it. "Thank you."

"Is there a relationship here?" she asked, looking between the two.

Spencer bit down on his lip. "We don't really have a label for it. We were co-workers and roommates, but it's blossomed into more than that. I don't want to put a name on it and then have something happen. But we're taking it slow, and we don't want our team to know, so I'd appreciate if this stayed out of any of the forms you're sending to my superior at work."

She nodded. "Of course." She turned to Derek. "You do understand he's extremely fragile?"

"That I do."

"And he's going to be dependent?"

"I understand completely."

After a few more questions, she turned to Spencer. "You've chosen an incredible ally here, Spencer. Congratulations on your progress. I'll see you next week?"

He smiled, nodding. "Thank you, and yes." He pushed himself up, pulling on his jacket.

* * *

Before getting out of the car at work, Spencer leaned over, kissing Derek softly. "Thank you for everything."

Derek ran a hand through his hair, smiling. "I've said it before, I'll say it again. Anything for you, Pretty Boy."

Spencer kissed his cheek and they walked inside. After the elevator stopped on their floor, Spencer walked to his desk, grabbing his coffee mug and making his way to the break room.

JJ raised an eyebrow. "Somebody has a bit of a spring in his step."

He shrugged. "I'm having a good Monday. Is that not allowed?"

"Oh, it is," she started, holding out the coffee pot to him. "Do I get to know _why_ it's a good Monday, or do I have to guess?"

He shrugged again, pouring in his coffee and mixing in the sugar.

"You're done with therapy?"

He shook his head. "I'll be back there next week."

She chewed on her cheek. "Hm. That good of a time at Garcia's?"

"She was fantastic, but no." He stirred in his sugar, sipping the coffee.

She followed him back to his desk. "Did you and Derek confess your love for each other?"

He rolled his eyes. "You've caught me." He sat down, drinking his coffee and grabbing a folder from his pile.

"…Is that sarcasm?"

He shrugged. "Wouldn't you like to know?"


	13. Chapter 13

A few months after his attempt, Spencer seemed to show definite signs of improving. He was able to spend time alone without asking someone to check in on him every few minutes to be sure he was okay. He allowed Derek to go to the gym and didn't call him every ten minutes, like clockwork. He also let Derek read all of his journals, and discussed anything he wished to discuss.

One particular afternoon, Spencer sat at the desk in his room: he'd downgraded the size of his bed in favor of adding bookshelves and a desk, to make him feel more at home. He traced his finger over the scar on his wrist, screwing his eyes shut. He'd let Derek go to the store to go grocery shopping, and decided to stay behind to get some writing done. His mind had a habit of nagging him when he was alone, telling him how much of a bother he was and how nobody really cared. It was at its absolute worst when he didn't have Derek there to calm him down, and he had to try his best to push it aside and not let it get to him.

He'd finally had enough and threw his pen down, groaning, rubbing his temples. He couldn't take it anymore. He didn't care about his progress and wanted all of the negativity to go away. He walked out to the kitchen, sitting in front of the locked cabinet, pulling on the handle, willing it to break open.

* * *

Derek walked in, putting his keys on the hook and setting the bags down. "Spencer?" When he was greeted by silence, he walked to the bedrooms, only to be greeted by emptiness. He heard a slamming sound coming from the kitchen and walked out. He saw Spencer sitting on the ground, tugging as hard as he could on his locked cabinet, where he kept the knives and his pills.

He sat beside him, pulling him into his arms. "Spencer, calm down."

Spencer shook his head, sniffing, pulling on the cabinet. "It needs to stop, Derek."

Derek ran a hand through his hair, rubbing his back. "Spencer, take a deep breath. Can you do that for me?"

He shook his head again. "Derek, I can't."

He took Spencer's arms, pulling them against his body. Finally Spencer stopped, burying his head in Derek's shoulder, crying his heart out. Derek closed his eyes, sighing, rubbing his back and rocking him gently. "I'm here, calm down. You can overcome this, I know you can."

Spencer tried catching his breath, sighing. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry."

Derek looked up at the clock and silently cursed himself: he'd been out so long that he'd forgotten to give Spencer his pills. "This is my fault, Pretty Boy. Can you go sit in the living room? Can you do that for me?"

Spencer nodded slightly, pushing himself up, walking to the living room and curling up on the couch. Meanwhile, Derek opened the cabinet, taking out his pills, taking one from each container and closing it back up. He walked to the living room, sitting in front of Spencer, handing him the pills. "This isn't your fault at all, Spencer, it's mine. I should've remembered and I didn't."

He sighed, putting them in his mouth, swallowing. "I'm sorry. I needed my pills, Derek. I'm sorry."

Derek kissed the top of his head. "You didn't do this, stop apologizing. I'm supposed to remember and I didn't keep track of time."

Spencer wiped his eyes, biting his lip and lowering his voice. "You left a knife in the dishwasher, Derek, if I'd wanted to do it, I could've."

"But you didn't," Derek said, sitting beside him on the couch, rubbing his back. "That's what matters."

Spencer sat up, leaning back and resting his head on his chest. Derek smiled to himself, running a hand through his hair. "I'm having a bad day," he admitted, playing with the fabric on Derek's shirt.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

He nodded, grabbing the blanket off the couch and pulling it over himself, telling Derek everything he could possibly think of that was bothering him.

* * *

When he finally finished, he leaned back, sighing.

Derek kissed his forehead. "I think I know what you need."

"A straitjacket?" Spencer suggested, looking up at him.

Derek rolled his eyes, shaking his head and flicking his nose. "You need to get out of the house."

"Derek, there is _no_ way you are getting me back on that motorcycle. Adventure quota is filled for life after that one experience."

He shook his head, rubbing Spencer's arm. "You need to let loose. I think I have to take you on a date."

Spencer raised an eyebrow. "A what?"

"I need to get you out of this house, and you need to enjoy yourself. What do you say?"

Spencer chewed on his lip. "What happens on a date?"

Derek kissed his forehead. "We eat, we talk, and then we play it by ear. If you want to do anything else, we can."

Spencer smiled slightly. "I think that sounds like a great idea."

Derek patted his arm. "Go get dressed, we're leaving in 20."

Spencer nodded, pushing himself off the couch. "…The team isn't going to find out, are they?"

"I'm not telling them."

He smirked, walking to Derek's room, looking through his drawers. With his room being filled with books, he didn't have room for any of his clothes, so he stole the bottom two drawers of Derek's dresser."Hey, Derek?"

"Yeah, Pretty Boy?" Derek called back, looking through the kitchen and packing a basket.

"What does one _wear_ on a date?"

Derek bit his lip to keep himself from laughing. "Whatever you're comfortable in. Most people wear jeans, but do you even own a pair of those?"

"Yes, _Derek_, I own jeans." He grabbed them from the bottom drawer and took out some socks and a shirt. He walked to the bathroom, closing the door behind him.

Derek shook his head, packing up a picnic basket. He then grabbed Clooney's leash, whistling. "Come on, buddy, you're coming with us."

* * *

Spencer walked out of the bathroom a few minutes later, much more casual than Derek has ever seen him. He had on a plaid shirt, what he was sure was his only pair of jeans, and his Converse.

"What?" Spencer asked, pulling on his jacket.

Derek shrugged. "Nothing, you're looking very… comfortable."

"Thank you?" He put his phone into his pocket. "Why's Clooney on his leash?"

"He's tagging along."

Spencer raised an eyebrow. "Where are we going?"

"The park."

Spencer smiled, taking the leash and wrapping it around his hand. "Sounds good to me."

* * *

When they arrived at the park, Derek set a blanket down and put down the basket. He patted the spot beside him and Spencer smiled, sitting down and resting his head on his shoulder.

"Spencer, is this your first date?" Derek asked, unpacking the basket.

Spencer nodded slightly. "Keith never wanted to be seen in public with me." Clooney climbed into his lap and he rubbed his back. "So I'm not sure how this is supposed to go."

"Well," he started, holding out a container to him, "like I said, we eat, and we talk like we usually do. I know you're not comfortable being around a lot of people, so I figured a nice, quiet setting like the park would be good for you."

He sat up, opening his container and grabbing a fork. "What did you make us?"

"Took notes on one of Rossi's cooking lessons, made some pasta. Also made a salad, and I suck at making dessert, so I picked up some fruit at the store."

Spencer raised an eyebrow. "You planned this before you even got home, didn't you?"

"Guilty."

* * *

After they finished eating, Derek took a Frisbee out of the picnic basket, unleashing Clooney and tossing it. "Go get it!"

When he saw Clooney run off, he laid back on the blanket and Spencer followed, lying down beside him and resting his head on his chest, pulling on his sunglasses.

"So, Pretty Boy, how did I do?"

Spencer shrugged. "Okay I _guess_."

Derek faked pain, putting a hand over his heart.

Spencer smirked. "You _really_ want to know?"

"Yeah, I do."

He shifted up on the blanket, wrapping an arm around Derek's neck, pulling him into a kiss.

Clooney chose that very moment to run up and trample all over them and Spencer sighed, pulling back. "It's like having a child – always interrupting the good times."

"Oh, so _that_ was a good time?" Derek asked, taking the Frisbee from his mouth.

Spencer blushed, burying his head in Derek's shoulder. "Shut up."

Derek laughed softly, throwing the disc more forcefully this time. "And now we have a few minutes to ourselves." He lifted Spencer's chin up, kissing him softly.

Spencer smiled to himself, moving closer to Derek. "You know, I think I like this dating thing," he whispered to him between kisses.

Derek reached down, wrapping an arm around his waist, pulling him against him.

* * *

"Well, well," they heard and Spencer pulled back, groaning. They looked up and saw JJ standing there, arms crossed, "what do we have here?"

Spencer buried his head in Derek's shoulder, sighing. "Make her go away."

Derek smiled. "I think that means 'what are you doing here'?"

"I brought Henry to the park because Will's at work and he saw Clooney running around, wanted me to find his daddy. Little did I know, he was currently making out with Henry's godfather."

Henry ran over, Clooney behind him. He sat down beside Spencer, poking him. "Hi, Spen!"

Spencer sighed, rolling over to face him. "Hey there, buddy," he said, sitting up. "How about we go play with Clooney and let mommy talk to Uncle Derek?"

Derek gave him a look. "You're not _really_ stranding me here."

"Yep," he said, popping the 'p', letting Henry climb on his shoulders and walking away.

* * *

JJ smiled, taking the seat Spencer just had on the blanket. "So, you two…"

Derek pushed himself up on his elbows, looking up at her. "Yes?"

"How long has this been a _thing_?" she asked, pulling her knees up, wrapping her arms around them.

He shrugged. "A month after his attempt was the first interaction-"

"Oh, you mean the first _kiss_."

He shot her a look. "Do you want to know or not?"

She put her hands up. "Sorry, continue."

"And we talked about it, and we decided we weren't going to put a label on whatever _this_ is. We were just going with the flow and wherever it led, we followed."

"Has anything happened?"

He shook his head. "We're still in the same bed, but nothing's happened. This right here was actually a first date."

She gasped. "You planned a romantic picnic in the park?" She nudged his arm. "Derek Morgan, you romantic!"

He smiled, shrugging. "He seemed to enjoy it, until somebody showed up."

She gasped. "Oh, you mean… wow, this is incredibly awkward."

He nodded. "Just a bit."

* * *

Meanwhile, Spencer sat on the ground, watching Henry run around with Clooney.

"Hey, Henry, can you come here?" Spencer asked, chewing on his lip nervously.

The young boy nodded, dropping the disc and running over, sitting on his lap. Spencer smiled when Clooney followed, settling down in front of him. He wrapped an arm around Henry's waist, running his other hand through his hair. "Do you like your Uncle Derek?"

He nodded, playing with the watch on Spencer's wrist. "He makes you smile."

Spencer smiled, kissing his forehead. "He does, a lot. Do you have a best friend?"

"Yeah…"

"Uncle Derek is my best friend. He's been a lot of help to me, and I want to know that you like him taking care of me."

Henry nodded, pushing Spencer's watch aside, tracing the scar on his wrist. "Boo-boo?"

Spencer sighed. "Yeah, I had a big boo-boo, and Uncle Derek helped me fix it."

Henry looked up at him. "You _love_ him."

Spencer gasped. "Why would you say that?"

"'Cause you do. He loves you, too."

He smiled, kissing Henry's forehead. "Good."

* * *

"So," JJ started, "is anything going to happen?"

Derek shrugged. "I really don't know. I don't want to do anything and erase all the progress he's made over the past four months, so I'm leaving it up to him."

"Derek, I see the way he looks at you, and the way you look at him. I looked at Will the same way. I just, I need your word that you can protect him like you have been."

"I promise." He looked over and saw Spencer running around, playing tag with Henry. "He has his moments, but I don't think he's going back there. I mean, look how happy he is right now, running around with his godson. These are the moments he's going to keep in the back of his head, so when those moments do happen? He can remember it and not feel so alone."

She smiled at the look on Spencer's face. "You really think he's getting better?"

"We all have anxiety, and moments of self-doubt. I don't think he's ever going to outgrow the nightmares or the panic attacks, but as long as he has his good memories and his family to lean on? I don't think he has it in him to go back to that dark place anymore."

"Are you guys telling the team?"

He quickly shook his head. "With how much they're strapping down on anti-fraternization? We're going to keep it under wraps as much as possible until the time comes when we're both ready for it to be out there."

"Well, I promise, my lips are sealed."

"Don't think we don't appreciate it."

* * *

Spencer walked over, squatting down and letting Henry climb off his shoulders while Clooney curled up at Derek's feet.

JJ pulled Henry into her lap. "Did you have fun with your Uncle Spen and Clooney?"

He nodded. "A lot."

Spencer smiled, taking a seat beside Derek, kissing him softly.

Derek rubbed his back. "Just what the doctor ordered?"

He nodded, resting a head on Derek's shoulder. "Definitely."

JJ picked up Henry. "We'll get out of your hair. See you at work tomorrow?"

Spencer smirked. "Of course. Bye, Henry."

Henry waved to them. "Bye, Uncle Derek! Bye, Uncle Spen! Bye, Cooney!"

* * *

As they walked away, Derek turned to him. "Not exactly a _normal_ first date. Sorry about that."

Spencer laughed softly. "Derek, what's _normal_ in our lives?"

"Good point."


	14. Chapter 14

A couple months later, Spencer was finally at a point where he was no longer on probation on the job. He was able to check out crime scenes and spend time alone whenever he wanted or needed. He had to admit, he was growing tired of waiting for it to happen, and was extremely relieved when it finally did. After a case that took its emotional toll on everyone, they all went home, ready to forget everything that happened.

When they went back to the apartment, Derek held up a wine bottle to Spencer. "Want a glass?"

Spencer nodded, taking a seat on the couch. "Please."

He poured two glasses, walking out to the living room and setting them down on the table, groaning.

Spencer grabbed his glass, sipping it and sighing.

"Job never goes easy on us, does it?" Derek asked, taking a sip.

Spencer shook his head, tucking his feet under himself and leaning against Derek. "Unfortunately not."

He wrapped an arm around him, kissing his forehead. "Do you need to talk?"

"I'm okay."

"You sure? It was your first case back looking at crime scenes firsthand, if you need to get anything out-"

"I don't, but thank you." He tilted his head up, kissing Derek's cheek. "I appreciate it."

He smiled slightly, running a hand through Spencer's hair as he sipped his wine. "So, Pretty Boy, what do you want to do tonight?"

He thought to himself, finishing his glass. "Pick a movie, we'll watch it."

He raised an eyebrow. "You're going to let _me_ choose?"

"I trust your judgment to pick something to keep me awake."

Derek got up and looked through his movies. He finally grabbed one, putting it in the player and taking his seat.

Spencer topped off their glasses. "So, what did you pick?"

"Something I think you're going to enjoy."

Spencer groaned. "Can't you just tell me?"

"You'll see in a minute, now stop whining."

Spencer mimicked him, pulling the blanket over himself and resting his head on Derek's chest.

* * *

While the title screen was playing, Spencer gasped.

"Lord of the Rings fan, Pretty Boy?"

"Derek Morgan, I _love_ you."

"You what?"

His eyes widened, realizing what he'd just said. "I- I um… I just… I said…"

Derek smiled, tilting Spencer's chin up and kissing him softly. "I love you too, Spencer Reid," he whispered.

Spencer smirked, blushing, taking another sip of his wine. "Really?"

He kissed his forehead. "Really."

* * *

The rest of their afternoon and night was spent watching all three of the movies. Spencer ended up dozing off against Derek's chest, and rather than waking him, he rubbed his back, enjoying the rest of the movie. He had to admit, it wasn't quite the same watching it without Spencer adding in his little facts and tidbits about the comparison between the book and the films. Though there weren't many inconsistencies, he still had his own commentary to add.

Spencer yawned against his chest, and his ears perked up at the current scene, narrating along with the film. "Come on, Mister Frodo. I can't carry it for you, but I can carry you."

Derek laughed softly. "Well, hello there, sleepyhead. How is it possible you can sleep through a Lord of the Rings film?"

Spencer blinked, looking up at him. "It's three movies of wandering Middle Earth, Derek. As much as I love Tolkien's work, they lose me when Aragorn goes off the cliff. It never fails."

Derek smirked, rubbing his arm. "We can go to bed, we don't have to stay up and finish it."

Spencer shook his head. "Nonsense, it's almost over, and we're coming up on the best part!"

"What, when they go off on the ship in the end?"

Spencer rolled his eyes, patting his cheek. "No, the moment when Aragorn is crowned king and he tells the hobbits they bow to no one, and the entire kingdom bows to them. It's my favorite part."

"Why, the smug look on the little dude's face?"

Spencer faked pain, gasping. "You are _so_ lucky you're cute."

* * *

That night, after Spencer took Clooney for his final walk, he locked the front door, double-checking the locks, and kicked off his shoes, setting them beside the door. He walked to the bedroom and laid back on the bed. Derek moved over, wrapping his arms around him, kissing his forehead.

"Something wrong, Pretty Boy?"

Spencer shook his head. "Everything's fine." He saw Derek giving him a look. "Really, I promise. I'd talk to you if something was wrong."

He ran a hand through Spencer's hair. "So, you're up to bi-weekly appointments with your therapist."

He smiled slightly. "This next appointment she says if I've made progress, I only need to go once a month. Considering how much has happened in the last six months, I'm optimistic."

Derek kissed his forehead, rubbing his arm. "As well you should be."

"About what I said on the couch-"

"Are you taking it back?"

"What? No!"

"Did you mean it?"

"Every word, and not just because you put in one of my favorite movies."

He laughed softly. "Then you have nothing to explain to me. You meant it, I meant it, I fail to see why we need to discuss it."

* * *

Spencer bit down on his lip. "Hey, Derek…"

"Hm?"

"When do we tell the team?"

He rubbed his back as he leaned in, resting his head on his chest. "Whenever we feel like it's a safe time, and neither us nor the team will be penalized for it."

He nodded in agreement. "Think we can keep the secret a little bit longer?"

"I have faith in us." He kissed his forehead again. "Can I ask you something?"

"You just did, and you can ask me something else."

He smirked. "Have you had any thoughts, you know, in the past few months?"

Spencer shook his head. "As long as I'm surrounded by people, it reassures me that I'm not alone, and that I can overcome any thoughts that even think of popping up."

"You know, I'm proud of you."

Spencer smiled to himself, pulling the blankets up and curling up against him. "I'm proud of me too. I owe it all to you."

"Don't sell yourself short. You owe a lot of your progress to yourself."

Spencer shrugged. "Whatever the case, I wouldn't be where I am today without your help. I never have to set foot in that apartment again. It's sold off to some college kid who can have a lot better memories there than I did."

"So, you're not leaving here anytime soon?"

Spencer glanced up at him. "What, trying to get rid of me?"

"Oh, _definitely_ not. I've got you now, Spencer Reid, and I'm not letting you go."

"Good, because I'm not going to let you."


	15. Chapter 15

It had been a year to the date that Spencer tried to kill himself. He still had his thoughts and his tendencies, but since he had Derek, he never acted on them. Instead, he chose to either write them in his journal or discuss it. Occasionally, he'd glance down at his wrist and see the faded scar going across his wrist. He referred to it as his 'battle wound' when he was around Henry, but to him, it was a sign that he belonged on this planet, and deserved to be here. He was still living with Derek, and their relationship grew stronger each and every day. The spare bedroom in the apartment became just that again, and during the eighth month of living there, Spencer finally moved his things into Derek's bedroom. JJ was the only person who knew about them, and true to her word, she never told anyone else about their relationship.

While getting ready that morning, Spencer sighed. "Hey, Derek?"

Derek looked up from tying his shoes. "What is it, Pretty Boy?"

He bit down on his lip. "Thank you for everything."

He raised an eyebrow and glanced over to the calendar. He realized it was the one day of the year he was dreading for both of them. "You don't have to thank me, Spencer."

"But I do." He buttoned his shirt. "If you hadn't thought about me in that very minute, and decided to check on me, we wouldn't have had this last year together. I wouldn't even be here right now. We wouldn't be where we are, or go through everything we've done. I never even thought there could've been an 'us' and I hate the fact that it took me trying to kill myself to find out."

Derek walked around, wrapping his arms around his waist, hooking his chin on his shoulder. "We don't have to go in today if you don't want to. It's going to be a tough day. If you'd rather sit at home, I'm sure Hotch would understand."

Spencer wiped his eyes. "I can't linger on this day forever."

"And you're not going to." He tilted his head, kissing his cheek. "But this is a hard day for all of us. We almost lost you that day, and we wouldn't be the same without our resident genius."

Spencer smiled slightly, patting Derek's hands. "I'll be fine, I have JJ and Emily to keep me company in the bullpen. Are we still on for dinner tonight?"

"You bet. It's Rossi's treat, how can we resist?"

He exhaled, reaching over on the bed for his vest. "Derek…"

"Hm?"

"Let go."

Derek released his waist and watched as he finished getting ready. "If you need to talk at all today-"

"I'll be in your office before I can even think twice."

* * *

JJ looked up at the clock in the bullpen. "Do you really think he's coming in today?"

Emily sighed. "I'm not sure. Would you?"

"I mean, he's Spence, so he doesn't know _how_ to miss a day of work, but at the same time, it's a pretty big day for him."

She shrugged, leaning back in her chair. "I think he'll be here. He won't be all _here_, but he'll show up."

Garcia walked into the bullpen, stopping at JJ's desk and raising an eyebrow. "No Boy Wonder today?"

Emily shook her head. "Not yet, but I'm sure he'll be in."

"He's still coming to dinner tonight, right?"

JJ smirked. "Have you ever known _anyone_ to turn down a dinner invite from Rossi?"

"Probably one of his ex-wives," Emily suggested.

"I heard that," Rossi said, leaning against the railing. "I just got a call from Derek, Spencer's seeing his therapist, then they'll be in."

Emily gave JJ a look. "Told you."

* * *

"So, Spencer, I'm sure this is an emotional day for you."

He nodded, reaching over and grabbing Derek's hand, lacing their fingers together. "It is, but I have my support system in place to keep me level-headed."

"When's the last time you had any of those thoughts?"

He closed his eyes, thinking. "Five months, three weeks, and four days ago. Not even a little one since then."

She gave him a smile. "Congratulations. And you've been discussing your feelings?"

"Every single day. Derek makes it a nightly ritual – after dinner, we sit down with a cup of coffee in the living room and talk about anything we're thinking about."

She looked over at Derek. "And how are you feeling today?"

He glanced at Spencer, squeezing his hand. "First and foremost, I'm extremely grateful that everything worked out a year ago, and I was able to get to him in the nick of time. I can't imagine where I'd be if I'd gotten there too late." He reached down, tracing the scar on Spencer's wrist. "He's my everything."

Spencer smiled slightly, blushing.

She looked between the two. "And this?"

Spencer smiled. "Stronger than ever. He's the best friend and boyfriend I could ever ask for. He's been my strongest ally, and he cares so much. He even went with me a few weeks ago to visit my mother, introduced himself to her."

"How does your mother feel about him and this whole situation?"

"She's happy that I have someone to talk to who _isn't_ a professional, and said that it doesn't matter who I love, so long as I'm not alone."

"Do you see a difference in yourself from a year ago?"

He quickly nodded, wiping his eyes and sniffing. "I don't… I no longer feel like an afterthought or a third wheel when I'm with my coworkers. I notice now that they've always had my best interest at heart, and take care of me like a little brother. I've noticed the family dynamic to the team and it just, it feels really good. When I was injured on the job a few weeks back, they took care of me, and made sure I was checked out by an EMT, and checked in on me. It helped me notice that they always have, and I was just too blinded by my negative emotions to feel it."

"Are you still taking your medications?"

"Every morning and every night. Derek's sure of it, hasn't let me miss a pill since that one time."

She smiled. "I have to say, I'm incredibly proud of you, Spencer. You've come so far in the past year. Do you feel the progress you've made?"

He nodded, smirking. "I really do." He squeezed Derek's hand again. "And I couldn't have done it alone."

* * *

On the way to work, Derek stopped at Spencer's favorite coffee shop, getting him a large coffee and some breakfast. He tried to convince him to eat there, but Spencer insisted on going into work, seeing as they were already late. When they walked inside, Spencer held onto his coffee, pressing the button for the elevator and exhaling.

Derek looked at him. "You okay?"

He nodded slightly. "That appointment was a lot more emotional than I expected it to be. I didn't expect to start crying, I'm sorry."

Derek reached over, rubbing his back and walking into the waiting elevator. "You don't have anything to be sorry for." He leaned in, pressing the button for the 6th floor.

He sighed, sipping his drink and biting his lip. "Derek?"

"What is it?"

"…Can we tell the team tonight?"

Derek smirked. "Is that what you really want to do?"

"I'm tired of having to keep it a secret. I know there are anti-fraternization rules in place, but at this point, I really don't care. I just want it all to be out there and everyone to know and understand it."

"You're positive?" He nodded and Derek smiled. "Then I guess tonight's the big reveal."

* * *

After the elevator stopped, Spencer walked to his desk, setting the satchel beside his chair and putting his coffee on his desk. Before he could even move to sit down, JJ walked over, wrapping her arms around him, squeezing him tight. Derek looked over at him, wondering if he needed to step in, considering how much Spencer liked his personal space. Spencer shook his head, returning JJ's hug and smiling, rubbing her back.

She stepped back. "How are you feeling?"

"Great, thank you."

Before he could say anymore, Emily walked over, hugging him and patting his back.

"Should I call Garcia so she can get her hug in, or-" he started. His question went answered when she walked over, pushing Emily aside and wrapping her arms around him.

"How you doing, Boy Wonder?"

He rubbed her arm, kissing the top of her head. "Amazing, thanks for asking."

She looked up at him. "Really?"

He smiled. "Really."

* * *

A few minutes later, everyone returned to their desks, giving Spencer the chance to sit down and enjoy his coffee.

JJ looked across her desk. "Okay, tell me. Is tonight the night?"

He took notice of the bullpen, making sure that everyone else was distracted. He gave her a slight nod before setting his coffee down, picking up the first folder in his pile, groaning. "Do you know if my fax has come in from the Kansas City PD yet? It's all I need to be done with this case file."

She flipped through her pile, holding it out. "Hot off the presses."

"You're the greatest," he said, putting it in the folder and setting it in its own pile.

She smirked. "I've heard that once or twice. So who won on the run this morning?"

He sipped his coffee, quickly pointing to himself. "The score's definitely in my favor."

"Why, how many times has Derek won?"

"Forty-seven."

"That's it?"

He shrugged. "He shouldn't start smack talking if he doesn't want me to get the energy to beat him."

* * *

When the work day was over, everyone got into their cars, driving to the restaurant. After ordering their meals, Spencer sat up straight, sipping his wine.

Rossi looked over. "So, kid."

Spencer's neck snapped up. "Hm?"

"How are you feeling today?"

He smiled slightly, reaching under the table and squeezing Derek's hand. "I can't even describe it. I'm just feeling really good."

"I was going to do this myself, but I figured you'd like to do the honors of destroying this."

He raised his eyebrow. "Excuse me?"

He reached in his jacket pocket, holding out an envelope to Spencer. He took it and read 'Dave' written across the front in his own writing.

"…You never read it?"

Rossi shook his head. "You've told me more in the past year than you could've possibly put into that letter."

The rest of the team looked over at Spencer, watching the envelope in his hand. He brought up his other hand, ripping the envelope into pieces, setting it on the table in front of him.

"How did it feel?"

He smirked. "Fantastic. Thank you."

* * *

After they'd finished eating, Spencer turned to Derek, who gave him a slight nod, squeezing his hand.

JJ took notice of this and nudged Garcia, who was sure to get everyone's attention with her yelp.

"Ouch, Jayje! What was that for?"

She smiled. "Sorry. I think Spence has something to say and was too nervous to say it himself."

"Sorry, 187. Do go on."

He chewed on his lip, exhaling, lacing his fingers with Derek's. "First off, I want to thank everyone for being there for me this past year. You've more than proven to me that I was completely wrong thinking I was alone, and that I do, in fact have a family out here. I definitely wouldn't be here today without all of your support."

Emily quickly held up her wine glass. "Reid, we wouldn't be a family without you." She nodded slightly. "To Reid."

When everyone else joined in and sipped their wine, he smiled. "And I um, I have a bit of news to share, if that's all right."'

Hotch gave him a nod. "Go ahead."

* * *

He bit down on his lip. "This is going to be hard for me to admit, and I hope I can do this without any judgment or negative repercussions." He took a deep breath, closing his eyes and squeezing Derek's hand. "I'm not one to enjoy labels, or naming yourself something, but I guess for the sake of this, I need to just say it. I, um," he swallowed, exhaling, "I'm in a relationship… with Derek."

He opened one eye, looking around for everyone's reactions. He saw Garcia had vacated her seat, and no sooner had her wrapping an arm around each of them, kissing their cheeks. "I totally call dibs on planning your wedding."

Spencer's eyes widened, looking over at JJ, who laughed. "Garcia, don't rush them down the aisle. It's only been, what, how long?"

"Nine and a half months," Derek said, squeezing his hand, smiling slightly.

Spencer bit down on his lip, looking across the table at his superior. "I know there are rules in place for fraternization, and I promise, we never intended on this happening, or it being what it is now. And if there's an issue, I understand, but-"

Hotch smiled, putting up his hand. "You're no David Rossi when it comes to fraternization, I wouldn't worry about it."

Spencer raised an eyebrow, looking over at Rossi, who swore at Hotch in Italian. He then glanced over at the two of them. "Well, all I have to say is it took you two long enough."

Spencer blushed. "Blame him. Do I look like I can make a move, let alone _start_ a relationship?"

At this, Rossi laughed. "Good point."

Emily looked over at JJ. "You _knew_."

She smirked, shrugging. "I'm just glad the cat's finally out of the bag. Didn't know how much longer I could hold it in. Especially with this one constantly pestering me about thinking you two were together." She pointed to Garcia who was still behind them.

She bent down, whispering in their ears. "I'll forgive you if you let me know how it is in bed."

Spencer gasped, blushing. "Garcia!"

Derek shook his head. "No, Baby Girl."

She pouted. "Fine, I'll forgive you anyway."

He smiled appreciatively, watching as she went back to her seat.

* * *

Once they got home, Spencer kicked off his shoes, exhaling.

"You okay, Pretty Boy?"

He nodded, pulling off his jacket and hanging it up. "That went a lot better than I'd expected."

Derek wrapped his arms around Spencer's waist, pulling him into a hug. "You said a lot today, and put a lot out there. I'm really proud of you."

He wiped his eyes, resting his head on Derek's shoulder, nodding. "I'm proud of me too," he said softly, exhaling. "I mean it, Derek, I wouldn't be here today without you."

He kissed the top of his head, rubbing his back. "Do you need to talk?"

He shook his head slightly.

"Do you need to cry it out?"

He nodded against his shoulder and walked to the living room, sitting them down on the couch. He sat with him and rubbed his back as Spencer let go of everything and cried.

Spencer pulled back some time later, wiping his eyes. "I'm sorry."

"Don't be." He kissed his forehead, running a hand through his hair. "Were they happy tears?"

He nodded slightly. "Happy, relieved, thankful – this last year has done so much to me and I just, I feel so grateful for everything and I can't believe I was ever in a place where I doubted myself."

He smiled, rubbing his back. "Go clean yourself up. I'll meet you in bed in a few."

He kissed him softly. "Thank you."

"Of course. Go ahead."

* * *

Derek laid back in his bed, listening to the water of the shower beating against the wall. It was a few months earlier that Spencer finally trusted himself enough to not be checked on several times when he was alone, but he did limit his showers, as to not worry himself or Derek. He heard the water stop and sat up, waiting for him.

Spencer exhaled, wrapping a towel around his waist, standing in front of the mirror. He leaned forward on the counter, closing his eyes and taking a deep breath. He thought back on the last year of his life – with his memory, it wasn't that difficult for him. He then realized that all of his pleasant memories involved one thing: Derek. He found him, he saved his life, he has been his foundation for the last 365 days. He got him into running to clear his mind, he talked to him whenever he needed to vent, and he was there for him, no matter what. When they'd only been dating for a few months, he introduced him to his mother over a Skype chat, and she officially welcomed him into the Morgan family without a second thought. She even invited him to her birthday this year, which was reserved for family members only. Derek gave him no time to think about it, and told her they'd be there without a problem. He smiled to himself, looking at the scar across his wrist. Yes, he'd had a moment of weakness, but it was followed by the best year of his life so far. He'd never need to return to that dark place again, so long as he had Derek by his side.

He put on his pajamas and walked to the bedroom, climbing on the bed and curling up beside him, his head rested on Derek's chest. As always, Derek pulled the blankets over them and placed a soft kiss on Spencer's forehead, and Spencer wrapped his arms around Derek's waist.

He relaxed against his body, just as he had every night for the past year. Never before had he felt that he belonged somewhere and mattered so much in his life. He knew that he never wanted to leave Derek's arms, and he never had to again.

* * *

**Author's Note:** Thanks for reading! I've gotten a few messages asking about Derek's point of view during this and his thought process, and I thought I'd let you know that it's coming! This story was more focused on Spencer, and I didn't want to flood it up with the two of them. Stick around and hopefully it'll get written soon.


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